Shadow and Light

In later years, when Katje Vanderheiden Frayne would remember her, it was always with a shudder.

She would remember the withered, old woman with her long, colorful skirt, her gnarled fingers covered with wide rings and her hair covered with a blood red scarf.

She was a gypsy. Or at least, that’s what she wanted everyone to think.

She remembered the dark, crooked tent, the sickly sweet smell of the smoke, and her eyes. Always, her eyes.

At the time, it seemed harmless enough. All part of the Fair experience.

And after all, nobody could see into the future.

Could they?

“Win, this is stupid. It’s a waste of money,” 16-year-old Katy protested, emitting a short laugh as her long, blonde hair whipped in the wind that had suddenly appeared. The smell of popcorn and peanuts permeated the air thickly, and nearby vendors called cheerfully to the crowds that walked by in the crisp, autumn air.

But Win had only laughed back as he usually did. Katy had never known a happier soul than her red-haired boyfriend. Despite a background that included losing his parents at a young age, she rarely saw him in a bad mood. He divided his time between his live-in school up in Rochester and his aunt Nell and Uncle James, who didn’t live far from Katy herself, here in Sleepyside. They had met over the summer.

She sighed inwardly. She wished she could say the same for herself. She had a quick temper that she often regretted. And try as she might, she often worried about life; everything from wondering if she would she get a good grade in Trigonometry to worrying about Win and his best friend Matt getting caught sneaking out of their prep school to attend rock concerts. Sometimes her boyfriend, who was a year older than her, would call her ‘Concerned Katy’, but he always smiled when he said it.

Katy unconsciously hugged herself. She had a new worry, and lately her days had been filled with it. She looked at the black tent they stood in front of, Madame Zelda sewn in curly script on the outside. Was that why she didn’t want to go inside? She breathed deeply and regretted it, as the oily smell of hotdogs seemed to coat her throat.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Win’s normally jovial face was solemn as he tilted her chin with one finger. “Do you want to go home?”

Katy was startled; she thought she had been hiding her mood pretty well.

“If you didn’t want to come, you only had to say so.” Win leaned down and brushed a gentle kiss on her mouth.

Katy smiled and shook her head, looping her arms around his neck. “Of course I wanted to come. I’ve never missed the Sleepyside Fall Festival in my life and I’m not about to start now!” She was glad that in spite of the general mood of the country, the festival was going on as always. Katy guessed it would take a lot more than a ‘police action’ in some far off country to make Sleepyside cancel its annual tradition!

Katy and Win kissed again, stronger this time, young hearts beginning to pound. Katy felt a familiar tingle in her lower belly and was almost overwhelmed with a combination of excitement and guilt.

They had tried to wait. They really did.

When they finally drew apart, Win looked down at her from his superior height, breathing a bit heavily. “You’ve been quiet all day.” He frowned suddenly and traced her chin with his fingertip. “You’ve been…I don’t know. Nervous or something.”

In spite of everything she felt a slow warmth curl through to her toes. He always knew when she wasn’t happy. Always.

“I’m just a bit worried about my class load this year. All that college prep stuff; it all gets loaded on you at once!” When Win still looked doubtful, she kissed him again. “I thought I was the worrywart!”

Win was clearly relieved. “I love you, Concerned Katy.”

Katy felt moisture film her eyes. “I love you too,” she said.

Win kissed her again, then grinned, gesturing to the sign on the tent. “Well, come on. Don’t you want to know the future?” Win drew out the last word in a husky whisper that made Katy giggle and almost forget about everything.

“Oh, all right,” she acquiesced.

Hand in hand, they entered the small, dark tent, both wrinkling their noses at the strong smell of burning incense. Katy used to think that marijuana smelled like this and remembered being embarrassed when she finally realized that they were two entirely different things.

She was glad that Win wasn’t into that whole scene. Even though he never seemed capable of being serious even for a moment, she had discovered that Winthrop Frayne absolutely hated being out of control. Hated it. And for him, being under the influence of anything meant giving up a certain security of mind and body that he just couldn't do without.

“Ah. You have finally decided,” a slightly raspy voice floated towards them in the darkness. Katy heard the strike of a match and suddenly the tent was filled with an eerie candlelight that threw mysterious looking shadows on the walls.

“Sit.” A figure hobbled into view; the woman who appeared looked ancient, her face a mass of deep, dusty looking wrinkles, her hair hidden by a dark red scarf.

Katy glanced sideways at Win, but he only look amused and slung casually in one of the worn chairs facing the scratched, round table. Katy sat next to him.

“Five dollars.” Katy couldn’t remember ever hearing a more creaky voice. The old woman’s hand was claw like as it reached towards them, palm up.

“Uh, that’s…we’ll pass,” Win said, starting to rise. He had just spent a small fortune on books as his scholarship only covered room and board, and he suddenly realized that cheeseburgers at Katy’s favorite little diner in town sounded a whole lot better than this hokey nonsense.

“Sit!” Madame Zelda hissed, her eyes looking like black olive pits pressed into her craggy face. She looked at Katy for a long moment until the younger woman looked away. “Two dollars,” she insisted, waggling her hand.

“Oh, all right,” Win muttered. The woman looked like a good wind could knock her away.

She shoved the money into her skirt pocket and withdrew a large, square lump wrapped in ancient silk. She slowly unwrapped the bundle revealing a slightly greasy looking deck of large cards. The colors looked as if they had been bright at one time, but were now muddy, the edges soft from use.

“Why are we here?” Katy found herself blurting.

The woman looked at her sharply, pursing her lips, the dark, red lipstick showing every crack. “You do not wish to be here. You are worried. You have a secret.”

Win laughed, not noticing how Katy jumped at the last pronouncement. “Well, how about we get on with it?” He took Katy’s hand and glanced sharply at her; it was as cold as ice.

Madame Zelda had lightly shuffled the cards and slowly laid out three in a row, face down.

“That past. The present. The future,” she intoned. “Remember, someone might tell you a lot of the card, but only you yourself will really know what it means for you.”

“Mmm hmmm,” Win muttered sideways to Katy, wanting to reassure her. For some reason, his normally reserved girlfriend was taking this seriously.

“Events or influences from the past that have affected the present but are now passing away.  Madame Zelda turned the first card over, and they all looked at the black cauldron with a beam of light shooting out of it.

“The Ace of Cups. The Ace of Cups shows the way deep into our soul, to detect beauty and trust. It stands for the sources of love, for growing feelings, the desire for a relationship or the readiness to have a friend. The card also tells that the beauty and the ugly are two poles belonging together. Without shadow, there's no light.” She looked deeply into Katy’s eyes. “Without shadow, there can be no light,” she repeated.

The old woman then turned over the second card. Katy smiled in relief at the beautiful picture of two figures dressed in flowing capes standing, hands clasped, facing each other.

“Ah. The Lovers. The Lovers represents a decision, the farewell to a former way of life and the full acceptance of love uncompromising. The Lovers can mean that someone should be honest, make a clear decision for this love, and stand by it.”

Katy could feel herself starting to tremble. “But what if we’re not ready to say farewell?”

Madame Zelda regarded her for a moment. “Once you have set events into motion you have no choice but to accept the consequences.”

Win was beginning to get annoyed. “Look, Madame Zelda, if that is your real name. We’re just here to have a little fun, not to be lectured about consequences. We get enough of that in school!” He stood up. “Come on, Katy. I never should have brought you in here. It’s obvious that this is upsetting you. Let’s go get a burger and…”

“No.” Katy’s green eyes looked up into Win’s blue ones. “We still haven’t seen the most important card of them all. The future.”

Win rolled his eyes. “You don’t actually believe this stuff, do you?” He had thought this would be fun, but the smoke was beginning to burn his eyes, and he didn’t like the way Katy looked so stricken all of the sudden.

The funny thing was, ordinarily, she didn’t. Katy, like Win, was a lover of nature. She loved the earth and the animals on it. She had always born witness to the clear motivations of this world; how every leaf, every creature had a purpose. It was magic, in its own way, but not this kind of magic. Not a small, heated tent that stank of myrrh.

But there was something in Madame Zelda’s eyes that seemed to stare straight into Katy’s soul.  I know you, they seemed to say. You cannot hide.

The past few days had been a bad dream. Even walking around the fair, Katy had felt as if her body was walking around without her. She was scared, she knew, of the future. Scared and uncertain and worried.

Win snorted in disgust when Katy didn’t answer. “I’ll wait for you outside,” he said, dropping a quick kiss on the top of her head.

Madame Zelda watched him go for a moment, then turned back to Katy, her eyes boring into hers. “So young.” She reached out a hand and Katy tried not to cry out in disgust when the old woman brushed her fingers over her soft cheek. “And you; younger even than he. Perhaps the next card will be the Wheel of Fortune. Do you know what that means?” At Katy’s dumb shake of the head, she intoned, “It means fate. Fate is the result of what we have already done. Today is the result of the past, the future will be the sum of past and today, and no matter how accurately we plan, the Wheel of Fortune will mix up light and shadow. Do you understand me, child? Light and shadow.”

Katy felt tears begin to build. She wanted to rise and go out to Win but she couldn’t move. She loved him so much. And they had tried to wait. They had fought against the burning heat of their own bodies, but ended up going a little bit further each time until they had finally come together under the stars in Win’s favorite secluded spot, only the wind and the sky and a nearby owl to hear their mingled cries of passion. Even now, it all seemed like some kind of dream.

“Light and shadow.” Madame Zelda’s voice brought her abruptly back to the present and she let out a small cry as the final card was turned over. The future. She stared in horror at the picture of a tower with fire billowing from the upper windows and a figure falling to his death.

“What does it mean?” she cried out.

The look of compassion in the fortuneteller’s eyes frightened her even more.

“The Tower is a strong card, a severe card. The Tower stands for catastrophic change, irreversible change, change on almost every conceivable level. It is dramatic change; it is traumatic change; it is sudden change; there is no subtlety to this card.”

“No,” Katy moaned.

Madame Zelda grasped her hand. “In many older decks, the Tower is called "La Maison Dieu," literally, "The House of God." For some reason, when this card's title is translated into English, it becomes "The Tower of Destruction."

“Destruction?” Katy faltered.

“Yes. The Tower is a symbol of endurance and its destruction.” She gripped her hand tighter, a tear stealing down one of the cracks in her cheek. “So young. Light and shadow. But without shadow, there can be no light.” She looked at Katy sadly. “Much pain. Much destruction. But also light. Light at a price.”

Katy got to her feet so quickly the small chair she had been sitting in turned over. She ran out of the tent, her hand over her mouth and was sick by its entrance.

“Katy! My God, are you all right? What happened?” Win cried, rushing up to her.  He heard her mumble something about destruction before she straightened up.

“I’m okay. Those hotdogs we had earlier…get me a coke, okay? Please?”

“Here.” Win handed her his handkerchief and dashed to the nearest food stall, returning moment later with a small green bottle of Coca Cola. He watched silently as Katy first swished out her mouth with it, spitting it out, then drank the rest.

“What did she DO to you?” Win demanded, his eyes hard in a way she had never seen. He made as if to re-enter the tent.

“No,” Katy protested. Her voice gained a little strength. “I want to go home. Please take me home.”

They were silent on the ride back in Win’s ancient pick up truck. Katy didn’t speak, but when Win reached over to take her hand she gripped it tightly. Shadow and light, she kept saying to herself over and over. Shadow and light.

As Win pulled into her driveway, she turned to him at last.

“Oh God,” she said, breaking down and beginning to weep. She buried her wet face into his chest as he held her tight, breathing in his wonderful and dear smell. He always smelled like sunshine, like air; unspoiled beauty.

“What is it? Are you sick?”

“No.” Katy pulled back and looked at him, her green eyes tender and sorry. “Oh Win; I’m pregnant.”

 The End

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