A Conversation between Pod Jim and “Mary Sue”

Oh man.  Is that you typing away again, Mary?

Sure is, Jim!  

Well, good.  Because I’ve been wanting to talk to you.

You have? You’re not still upset over that abdominal distress thing again, are you?

Oh yeah, I’d almost forgotten about that! Well, that’s another story. No it’s this whole Dan thing.

Dan thing?

Yeah.  You’ve been giving him a lot of attention lately.

I have?

Don’t act all innocent with me!  His part got pretty big in God Bless the Child.  The last Chapter even ended with him!

And this…bothers you? I thought Dan was your friend!

He is.  But don’t you think it’s all getting out of hand? I thought Trixie and I were the stars of your show.

Well, you are! Sorta…

And another thing.  What is up with all these stories you’ve been reading?

You mean the fanfic?

Yes, I mean the fanfic.  Mary, I’m very worried about the impact it has on your life.

But it’s so good! I...well, I just love it, Jim.

Sigh.  Can’t you see I’m only trying to protect you?

From what?

(Conspiratorial whisper) Some of those writers are insane.

What the hell are you talking about?

Some of them don’t focus on me at all! An d I’m the star! I’m the catalyst for everything that happens in book #1, the one that started it all.  I’m the one who came up with the idea for the club…

Uh, Jim? That was really Honey.

Huh.  Well, maybe.  But back to these writers.  I don’t think they’re a good influence on you.

You’re really starting to irritate me, Jim.  I love them!

(Wheedling tone) Now Mary, don’t get nuts on me.  I’m only trying to help you.  To protect you.  They’re sick people.  Take the two you’ve been reading the longest.  Shana and Dragonquirk…

What about them? They’re terrific writers.

Mary, really.  Shana is terribly misguided.  She puts Trixie with Dan! She probably encouraged other people to write stories about them too!

So?

And she bounces all over time.  I don’t think it’s healthy.  And DQ…

Knock it off, man! She is the first writer I ever read.  She was so good I decided I probably shouldn’t bother writing because her stuff was so damn good!

Mary, listen to reason.  Her stuff started off nice and traditional, but she’s lost her mind or something.  She had Trixie loser her virginity to some guy named Eldon! And she and Mart…oh God, I can barely say the words…smoke marijuana!

So what? Her Strange Currencies universe is wonderful! So descriptive and real; so touching, so funny and true!  And what are you bitching about? You got to have sex with a cheerleader!

Well…I guess.  But then there’s that Sue…

WHAT ABOUT SUE?  Her Dan melts the buttah on mah biscuit! I love her universe! You mess with Sue, you mess with me!

(Gentle voice) Mary, sweetheart, she is not to be trusted.  She has a man strangling women with rosary beads.

Yeah!  Bitter Blood is cool!

Well, what about Eric? You can’t deny that there’s something wrong with that guy.  I mean, Trixie with a punker?  And don’t get me started on all the madness and mayhem.

Hey, I like Corey! He feels his feelings when he feels them.  Even when the cost is very high.  And I happen to like the madness and mayhem.  His stuff is very different from everybody else’s!  You’re just irritated because he doesn’t like you very much.  I’m telling ya, I’m not liking you very much either at the moment.

And then there’s Kyrie, who’s obsessed with Brian of all people.  I mean, he is my best friend, but c’mon! I’m the one with the supple body around here!

I wish Brian would have done more than just punch you!

And Kate puts me with Trixie, but it’s obvious that her stories center around Dan.  Dan, Dan, Dan.  Doesn’t she ever think about anything else?

Um…no, actually…

And tell her to tell Gwen to get off my back!

SHUT UP YOU CHAUVINISTIC CRETIN! GET BACK IN THAT TIME MACHINE OF YOURS AND HEAD ON BACK TO THE FIFTIES!

Gwen! Run for your life—Jim’s gone mad.  And besides, you don’t belong to me.  Get back to Kate’s universe before she notices you’re gone!

And don’t even get me started with Leslie and Jenni F!  REGAN with Trixie? I’ve never heard of such a travesty.

Hey, I love them together! Those stories are great! You’re not the only red head in Sleepyside with a supple bod, ya know.

Oh Mary, Mary! It’s not too late.  I can get you help!

I don’t need any help.  Just more hours in the day to read more fanfic.

Even Jenni J’s?  My God, surely you can’t approve of what she’s done.  Especially to me!

Mwah ha ha ha! She sure poked a hole in your balloon, didn’t she?

Oh Mary, I’m truly saddened.  You’re not even a little repentant?

Nope!

And Meagan.  She gets me with Trixie.  But Oh God! She changed everything around in one universe, and Trixie wears butt floss bikinis, dances in miniskirts and has tattoos in the other!

I know.  Isn’t it great? I love her stuff to bits.  She’s mintox!

At least Dana loves me.

True.  But if she heard you talking like this, she would probably smash you over the head with her hockey stick! I wouldn’t mess with Dana if I were you.  She may be small, but she’s tough!  She’s a crack shot too!

Gulp! 

And I like that newcomer Susansuth.  SHE knows who the star is…

Hmph!  I wouldn’t mess with her either.  She has a wicked sense of humor and if you rub her the wrong way, Trixie won’t rub you while wearing the blue negligee!

I’m starting to think there’s no hope for you.  But at least you’re finally reading more of Cathy P.  She puts me through the ringer, but at least she gets me right.

Well, she IS the Jim/Trixie Queen, I must admit.  But Jim, she welcomes all kinds of different writers to the Jix community.

Sigh.  I know. I tried to talk to her too.

And…?

Well, she just laughed at me.  Very hard and very long.

Good!

Mary, I don’t want to get rough with you…

Oh, get rough.  Get rough, baby!

Mary! What’s gotten into you?

I’ve got my own web page now, baby.  Anything goes!

Now Mary, calm down.  You’re a traditional writer.

Yes, and I love it.  But if you continue to act like this…may I remind you that I wrote a Dan/Trixie story once?  And if you don’t shape up, I’ll dig it out…

No, no.  I’ll be good!  I try to be nice to everybody!

OH MY GOD! IT’S POD JIM FROM BOOK #34!  I should have known my Jim would never act this way!

(faintly) Mary? I’m in here!

Oh, what has he done to you? Let me find a bolt cutter…there.  You’re out.  Kick his ass, Jim! Kill him!

(Imagine a scene of unimaginable horror)

There.  He’s gone.

Jim? Is it really you?

Yep! Everything’s going to be fine.

Um…gee, I hate to be like this, but, could you answer a couple of questions?

Sure!

Okay.  Trixie wants to go searching for Reddy in the woods.  You, A, admire her sense of adventure and go with her, or, B, admonish her about the dangers she could face and sternly tell her she should stay at home.

Well, A, natch!

Phew! Oh, it’s good to have you back again.  Pod Jim blows!

Yeah.  I’d have to agree with that assessment.  Pod Jim must spend a lot of time alone, talking to himself and agreeing with every word.

You got that right!

Now Mare, about that abdominal distress…

The End?

Note: Trixie Belden® is a registered trademark of Random House Books. These pages are not affiliated with Random House Books in any way. These pages are not for profit.   All stories copyright © Mary, 1999 - 2004. All rights reserved.