God Bless the Child

Chapter 15

As usual, Katy announced her willingness to consider going to bed by climbing into Jim’s lap with her dog-eared copy of “Go Dog Go”.

In spite of the foul mood Trixie had been trying to hide all evening, she smiled when she heard Jim say coaxingly, “Wouldn’t you like me to read something else?”  She remembered her youngest brother Bobby and a certain copy of “Peter Rabbit” that she was tempted to throw in the fire when he wasn’t looking.  How long ago that was! she thought in amazement.

“Go Dog Go,” Katy replied, settling the matter.  Trixie giggled to herself at her imperious tone.  It just never occurs to her that anyone could possibly refuse her.  She looked at Jim and doubted he ever would.

“As you wish,” he replied with a fond smile, settling her into the crook of his arm as he opened the book and began to read.

She turned her attention away from her emails to watch him read to her, the peaceful scene stilling the troubled waters of her heart.  She understood as few outsiders did that no matter how much she loved her work, there was no way she could do what she had to do without a life like this to come home to.  And especially after a day like the one she’d just lived through.

She wondered if that was part of Dan’s problem; Mr. Maypenny was a great guy, and like a grandfather to him, but there really wasn’t a substitute for having a family of your own.  Her thoughts drifted to her sister-in-law, who had decided to spend the evening with Mart and Diana, and she resolved again to talk to her big brother when he came to the school tomorrow.  This had gone on long enough as far as she was concerned, and even though she knew it wasn’t any of her business, she was making it her business!

“Again, Daddy. Read it again!”

Jim met Trixie’s amused eyes.  “I’m going to kill Dan for giving her this book,” he said mildly. 

“Please, please?” Katy begged, leaning her head against his shoulder, looking up at him with big eyes.

“Little miss con-artist!” Trixie said playfully, a smile building on her face as he began reading the book again. She answered her last email and stood up just as Jim finished the story.  “Beddy-bye,” she said before Katy could say a word.  She scooped her out of Jim’s lap with a grin.  “It’s better to cut ‘em off at the pass!” she laughed, covering her face with kisses until she stopped protesting and giggled instead.  

She wondered who was kissing Sammy goodnight and the smile faded from her face.  I just hope what we’ve got is enough, she thought as she cuddled Katy close to her, her heart giving a dreary thump.   Never had the stakes been so high, not even when she and Honey had to set out in the Wheeler’s trailer to find Jim, who had run away from his stepfather.  At least Jim could take care of himself.  Sammy’s just a baby.  

In spite of her vow to put the case out of her mind for the evening, she remembered the vicious anger in Mr. Lewis’ voice and involuntarily shivered.

“Did something happen today?” Jim asked, looking at her intently.  She’d been quiet all evening and looked even more exhausted than she’d looked earlier, after her talk with Neil’s mother.  He found himself wishing that she’d never answered the phone that day Joeanne called, and immediately felt ashamed for thinking it. 

Trixie sighed.  The problem with knowing somebody for half your life is that they know you too well…“If I talk about it, I re-live it.  And I just…I don’t have the energy right now,” she said, her face pale and tired.  She set Katy down and rumpled her hair.  “Kiss Daddy goodnight and scoot upstairs.”  She followed her up without her usual energy and was gone so long that Jim gave her an odd look when she returned. 

“I’m really losing it now.  I stood there and watched her sleep for at least a half an hour,” she confessed, sitting next to him with a sigh.

“Something has happened,” Jim said, his voice concerned.  “But please…don’t tell me.  Whatever you do, don’t let me know what’s going on with you!”  He gave her a wry look, rubbing her leg.  She’d tell him eventually, in her own way.  There was no use bugging her.

“Why don’t you tell me how it went with Neil instead?” she asked, smiling wanly.  “Okay?”  She hoped it went well—her nerves were almost at the breaking point, and she really needed to hear something good.  This case was getting under her skin more than any she had ever worked on.

He regarded her for a moment before answering.  “It wasn’t exactly the ending of ‘Ordinary People’, but he opened up quite a bit.”  He gave her the gist of his conversation with Neil, Trixie nodding sadly when he confirmed what she’d already suspected—that his father had physically abused him as well.

“I could tell he was relieved that he wasn’t the only one who had ever felt that way,” Jim said as he told her how Neil felt about his father.  It was amazing to Jim how something as horrible as those last years with Jonesy could be turned into a positive tool.  Jim had found that nothing made these kids open up more than the fact that he had gone through hard times too.  “Our histories have enough similarities—well, it really helped me get through to him.  Poor kid’s a nervous wreck and no wonder.  I remember it would almost be a relief when Jonesy would finally hit me—the anticipation was usually worse.  I wouldn’t be able to eat; I’d toss and turn all night sometimes wondering when the other shoe was going to fall.”  His eyes got a faraway look to them, and he didn’t notice the expression that was growing on Trixie’s face.  “Of course, sometimes the actual event was worse.  That guy really knew how to hurt without leaving outward marks…”

To his complete surprise, Trixie threw her arms around him, burying her face into his chest.  “I can’t bear to think of it,” she said, her voice tight with emotion.  “Why did it ever have to happen?” He’d been through so much pain in his life, starting at an age where he should have been romping through the woods or going fishing or on camp-outs.

Sammy was just an innocent baby, but he’d already been through more in six months than most people went through in a lifetime. 

And poor Neil, who preferred to think that his own mother was dead rather than return to a life where words were usually accompanied with blows.  How could anybody do anything other than cherish a child? She felt like her heart was going to tear into jagged pieces.

Jim’s voice was soothing.  “I didn’t mean to upset you—I never even think about it anymore, unless it relates to one of the kids.  Really.”  He put his arms around her.  “I never think about it because you make me so happy,” he whispered in her ear.  “Don’t you know that? It wasn’t the beatings that really hurt me; it was being alone.” 

He laid his cheek on top of her curls.  “Besides, I’d go through a lot worse if I knew that you and Katy were waiting for me at the end of it.” He meant for his words to make her feel better and was dismayed when she burst into uncharacteristic tears, the renting sound of it turning him inside out. She wasn’t the type of person who used crying to get her way, nor did she cry easily or often; when she did, the impact on him was immediate and devastating. 

“Now I know something terrible must have happened.” He smoothed her hair behind her ear and tenderly stoked her cheek. “Please tell me what's wrong."

Everything terrible has happened! She tried to smile and failed completely. “I know I’m being a total moron, but I just get so tired of bad things happening to good people.” She felt like she was drowning in sorrow.  I could sleep for a week, she thought, her head feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds.

“I’d hardly call that being a moron,” Jim said.  “I feel the same way and I’m no moron!” He began stroking her hair, disturbed at her dark mood.  Like her crying, it was most unusual—Trixie was one of the most positive people he’d ever known, and not given to self-pity very often.  Oh love, what have you gotten yourself into? he thought unhappily.

Trixie got a hold of herself with effort, taking a deep, shuddering breath.  “Oh Jim if you’d have seen the look on that man’s face when I told him what we suspected. And the next door neighbor practically spit on me, she was so angry. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing,” she finished in a tired whisper.

“Yes you do,” he responded firmly.  “It’s not your fault that these people are hearing things they don’t want to hear.  A child’s life is at stake.  If they don’t like it, tough!”  He smiled when Trixie let out a startled laugh, his words having the desired effect.

“Tough,” she agreed, straightening up and wiping her eyes, feeling better than she’d felt all day.  “I think Sammy’s mother and Neil’s father ought to get together and go bowling!”

“Why are you crying, mommy?” a worried little voice piped up.

Katy stood at the side of the couch rubbing sleepy eyes.  They hadn’t even heard her come down the stairs.

“What are you doing out of bed?” Trixie asked, lifting her into her lap, kissing her forehead.

“I heard crying,” she replied, snuggling her head down on Trixie’s shoulder, yawning.

“And you just had to investigate, hmmm?”  She felt her nod, her sleep-warmed body like a soft blanket, her little face like a flower petal pressing against her. Trixie loved her so much she couldn’t breathe sometimes, just thinking about it.

“Don’t be sad, Mommy.” Her voice was so serious that Trixie had to smile, hugging her close.

“I’m not sad, angel,” she said, rubbing her back, kissing the top of her head.  It’s really kind of cute the way she’s so concerned about everybody’s happiness.

“Then why were you crying?” 

Trixie sighed as Jim let out a little laugh.  “Good question—no flies on her!” he whispered.

“You’re a big help,” she hissed back, smiling wryly.  She rocked her while she considered how to answer the question, not wanting to lie, but not wanting to unnecessarily burden her either. She looked down at Katy and grinned, realizing that she was fast asleep.  “Saved,” she smirked, her voice low.  She stood up, hoisting her securely in her arms.  “I’ll just go return the wandering weary.”

He leaned back and watched them go, his face thoughtful.  In all the years he’d known her, he had never seen a case cause as much emotional distress as this one, and it worried him. His first instinct was to tell her to step back, but even as he thought it, he knew it wouldn’t work.  Trixie had never backed off from helping anyone in her life, and she sure wasn’t going to start now, not when the person in question was a helpless child. 

He sighed—he wanted to help the little boy too.  If Jim had one naïve wish, it was for the people in his life to always be safe and happy.  His family and friends knew this about him, affectionately amused that by building Ten Acres Academy, he had created his own little corner of the world where kids were taken care of, didn’t have to be frightened, were no longer alone.  The ultimate safe haven provided by one James Winthrop Frayne II.  How perfectly perfect was that?  There really wasn’t another job he was more suited for.

“Out like a light.”  Trixie’s voice brought him back to the present. She walked back into the room, lacing her fingers and stretching upwards.

“Curious…just like her mother,” he said playfully.

“Worried…just like her father,” she rejoined, the corners of her mouth quirking upwards.  She leaned down and kissed him.  “But you don’t have to be—I’m fine.  Really.  I just had a loooooong afternoon.  It’s a real drag being told you must be crazy more than once in one day!” Plus being shoved and called the b-word is no picnic either.  She wisely decided not to mention that part, knowing how much it would upset him.

Jim smiled at her.  “Does that mean being told once a day is acceptable?”

“Oh sure!”

His tone changed.  “I would never tell you not to help somebody.  But Trix…” he paused, locking his gaze on her.  “Please be careful.”

She promised that she would, knowing that he wasn’t talking about the kind of careful that kept you from physical harm but rather a much deeper, more serious kind of trouble.

Chapter 16

I’ve called you so many times today

And I guess it’s all true what your girlfriends say

That you don’t ever want to see me again

And your brother’s gonna kill me and he’s six feet ten!

--The Police

“Must be all the fresh air and exercise,” Brian said, closing his bag with a snap, “because other than a couple of minor colds, everybody is just fine.  I’d have the Neil take these multi vitamins for a while though.  His tongue looked terrible, and he’s a little underweight for his height.” Vitamin deficiencies always show up in the tongue, and Brian could tell that Neil hadn’t been eating regularly before coming to the school. He tossed the bottle to Jim, who caught it easily. 

“He’ll be all right though, won’t he?” Jim asked.  The two men stood in the school’s examination room, which was adjacent to a few rooms that were used anytime a student had an illness that was contagious.  Luckily, the rooms were seldom used, and so far, for nothing more serious than one bad case of Bronchitis.

“Oh sure—it’s not serious,” Brian assured him.

Jim’s anger had completely dissolved when he saw the unmistakable signs of misery in his best friend’s face, and now he felt compelled to ask, “What’s going on with you and Honey? I know it’s none of my business, but…”

“Look, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to talk about it.” Brian had entered Ten Acres Academy that morning with more that a little trepidation and was relieved when Jim greeted him as if nothing was wrong.  An argument with his hot-tempered brother-in-law was not something he even remotely had the energy, or heart, for.

“You’ve got to talk about it.  You can’t just go on like this.  She’s left you for God’s sake,” Jim exclaimed, stunned at the flat way Brian was speaking.  He’d never seen him like this, so devoid of animation, so…devastated.

“Don’t you think I know that?” Brian snapped.  “It’s a little hard to talk about it when somebody won’t answer her phone and hangs up on me when I finally do get through!”  The surprised look on Jim’s face deflated his momentary flare of wrath and he quickly added.  “I can’t really blame her.  I, uh, said something pretty bad.  And I haven’t exactly been Mr. Wonderful these past couple of months.” 

Jim could tell from Brian’s bleak tone that he was genuinely sorry.  “I guess I’ll skip the part where I slug you for making my sister feel bad,” he said with a weak grin.

Brian let out an ironic laugh.  “Believe me, nothing you could do to me could possible feel worse than being without Honey this past week.”

“It’s been bad?” Jim asked, already knowing the answer.

“It’s been complete and utter shit,” Brian replied frankly.

“I’m sorry—I wish there was something I could do.”  Jim glanced at his watch and frowned.  “I have to get to class.  Call me later if you want to, okay buddy?”  He passed Trixie as he exited the room, whispering “good luck!” as he went by, happy to see that a good night’s sleep had restored her usual vitality and positive outlook.

“Hey, big brother,” Trixie said as she came into the room.  He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping, shadows pooling under his dark eyes, so like their father’s.  Her heart went out to him.

“Hey Trix,” he responded, shifting hid doctor’s bag from the right hand to the left.  “How’s…everything?” He wasn’t surprised to see his only sister and didn’t bother asking her what she was doing at the school this time of day.

Trixie despised small talk, wasn’t good at it, found it to mostly be a waste of time.  “Honey’s miserable and so are you,” she answered, not unkindly.

He nodded but didn’t say anything.  “What has she told you?” he finally said, opening and closing his bag absentmindedly.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nope.  She doesn’t want to talk about it and I have to respect that.”  Trixie paused, a small smile appearing.  “But you’re just my brother.  What the hell is going on?”  Her tone was light, but her eyes were serious.  “I know something hasn’t been right for awhile—Honey’s been upset for weeks.”

Brian’s face tightened.  “She has?”  Guild flooded him; he’d been so wrapped up in his own mental anguish he hadn’t noticed.  You idiot; of course she’s been upset.  Every time she’s tried to talk to you about starting a family you’ve changed the subject.  Then when you finally do talk about it, what do you say? Terrible, horrible things…he groaned inwardly.

Trixie watched the dark play of emotions that moved across his features, feeling a wave of feeling for this quiet older brother she loved so much.  “She’s been very distracted and moody lately,” she explained.  Suddenly she brightened.  “Hey! Maybe she’s…”

“No.”  It was only one word, but the sharp way he said it sent an unpleasant thrill through her.  She knew without asking that it had something to do with why Honey was living in her guest room and not with her husband.  Gleeps, was he not able to have children? Was that what this was all about?  Trixie felt like ice water had entered her veins.

“I’m sorry,” Trixie said quietly.  Then—“Oh Brian, won’t you tell me what’s wrong?  I love you guys; I want to help!”

Brian smiled at his sister’s outburst—it was so typically Trixie.  “I love you too, but you can’t help.  Not with this anyway.”  He paced restlessly, running a hand through his dark wavy hair.  “Honey’s upset because…because I don’t want to have children.”  There, he’d said it.

Trixie’s mouth fell open.  It was the last thing she expected him to say.

“And we got into a fight about it and I said something really mean, something I’d give my life not to have said,” he continued, his face a study in misery.

Didn’t want to have children? My God… “Oh Brian,” was all she could say.  Sweet, serious, dependable Brian, who would make an unbelievably wonderful Dad.  Inconceivable!

“Yeah,” he said sadly.

“One thing at a time.  You can say you’re sorry for whatever it is you said.  Honey is not the unforgiving type,” Trixie said firmly.

“I don’t know…it was pretty bad.”

“Even so.”  Trixie thought about some of the things she’d said in the heat of anger over the years.  She’d learned to control her temper since she was a teen, but it seemed like she averaged a few classic foot-in-the-mouth moments every year.  “As for the other thing; Brian, I…well, I can’t believe it.  I’m sorry, but it doesn’t seem possible that you feel that way!”

“Well I do,” he said shortly.

Trixie wasn’t deterred.  She could plainly hear the pain behind his words; clearly, there was more involved.  Her ‘detectiving’ instincts kicked in full force and combined with her love and concern, it was a formidable combination.  “Brian, that’s crap,” she said flatly.  Before he could protest, she softened her voice, adding, “I know there’s more to it than that.  Something’s happened to you and don’t deny it.”

Brian looked at her determined expression and knew she’d never let this go.  He gave in to the inevitable, suddenly feeling a strong need to talk about it with someone who really knew him. “I won’t deny it, but I’m not sure how well I can explain it.”

Trixie took a seat and turned her gaze on him, her air that of someone who is absolutely determined not to miss a word.  “Try me,” she invited.

Slowly at first, Brian told her about his failure to save Jacob and the fear and worry that had all but consumed him.  “I just don’t think I could handle it if we had a child and he…anything happened,” Brian finished miserably.

Trixie was incredulous.  “Brian, where would we be if Moms and Dad felt this way?  And are you telling me that Jim and I shouldn’t have had Katy because there’s a chance she could…” she found she was unable to even think the word, let alone say it, and she looked at Brian with something resembling understanding.  “If anything happened to Katy, I’d be completely destroyed.  And it would kill Jim…God, I don’t even want to think about it,” she shuddered. 

She stood up and began to pace.  “But Brian, I can’t imagine our lives without her.  Oh my God, I look at her sometimes and I can’t even believe it.  I mean, here’s this walking, talking, breathing—to use one of Mart’s words—manifestation of our love.  You know?  She’s both of us—our love made her.  It’s just a miracle.  A total miracle.”  Trixie stood in front of him, speaking earnestly.  “You don’t want to miss out on that just because of something that may or may not happen!”  She gulped and continued, “Even if something did happen to Katy, I would never, never regret having her.  Brian, you’ve gotta believe me.  It would have been worth it for even one day with her!”

“I do believe you,” Brian said.  “But you don’t see what I see everyday.  You just don’t know.”

Trixie shook her head.  “No, I don’t suppose I do.”  She sank back down on the little metal stool.  “How could Honey leave you when you’re in this state of mind?  I just can’t believe it.” 

Brian’s voice was quiet.  “Uh, she doesn’t exactly…that is to say, I haven’t…”

Trixie’s mouth fell open for the second time that morning.  “She doesn’t know you feel this way? She just thinks you don’t want children and that’s the end of it?  I know Honey’s pretty notorious for being able to read minds, but come one; there’s no way she could have picked up anything this complicated.  Oh Brian, why haven’t you told her any of this?”

“I want her love, not her pity.  I was afraid that if she knew how scared I was…”

“That she wouldn’t respect you? That she’d think less of you?”

“Something like that,” Brian admitted.  Funny, it seemed so logical when he was alone, but talking about it with Trixie, he was starting to feel uncomfortable.  He jumped when Trixie let out a loud scream.

“Arggggh! Stupid, stupid, stupid boy logic!”

“What are you talking about?  I must have left my Trixie-to-English dictionary at home,” Brian muttered.

“I’m talking about the stupidity of men who think they are sparing us by keeping their real feelings locked up.  As if we couldn’t handle the idea that a guy might just be vulnerable.  Brian, Brian, Brian—you’ve hurt Honey so much more by not letting her know what you’re thinking!  Can’t you see that?  She loves you.  She’s your wife, she can help you.  But not if you keep shutting her out.”

Brian sighed deeply as her words became a part of him.  “Boy logic, huh?”  He smiled crookedly.  “Guess I’ve just been a real dummy, haven’t I?”

Trixie smiled and laid her hand on his knee.  “I can think of a few other words, bro.”

Brian nodded.  “I’ll bet Honey can too.  God, I’ve really messed everything up.  It seems hopeless.”

“Nothing’s hopeless when two people love each other,” Trixie said firmly.  “You’ve got to talk to Honey.  You’ve got to.”

“She hasn’t returned any of my calls,” Brian said miserably.

“Then come over and make her talk to you,” Trixie responded.  She rose and put her arms around her brother.  “Look, she’s just been horribly hurt and angry.  She hasn’t said anything, but I know. Call me on my cell tonight—I’ll get Honey to talk to you.  I will!”

Brian had seen that look of determination many times and didn’t doubt it.  “Okay Sis, I’ll give it a try.”  He hugged her back for a long time.

“Brian, have you talked to anybody about how you’ve been feeling? Like other doctors who have children?”

“Yeah I have.  But I’m just still not sure about it.”  After Honey left him, he knew he had to talk to somebody or he’d go completely insane.  He talked to a few of his colleges and was amazed and gratified to find that they’d had similar thoughts and feelings during their career.

Trixie pulled away and looked at him.  “You do want to have children, don’t you?” She held her breath.

Honey, lush and beautifully pregnant with their child.  A family of their own.  Christmas mornings like the ones he had when he was a boy. Jacob’s terrible stillness, and then…“I don’t know,” he said softly.  “I just don’t know.” 

They talked for a while longer in quiet tones before Brian finally had to return to the clinic.  He promised Trixie he’d call that night and left feeling more hopeful than he’d felt in a long time.

Trixie made her way to the teacher’s break room and was glad to find both Jim and Mart eating lunch.  She got a coke out of the free machine and joined them, plunking herself down with a small sigh.

“You’re still here?  He must have talked to you then,” Jim observed, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

“I deduce you’re referring to our eldest sibling?” Mart said, finishing up his first sandwich and lovingly eyeing his second.

“Yes and yes,” Trixie replied, risking her life by taking one of Mart’s cookies.  She snatched her hand out of the way just in time to avoid a slap, triumphantly popping the cookie into her mouth.

“I could tell Honey’s been going through a rough time,” Mart commented quietly.  “I can’t believe it’s been almost a week and she still hasn’t gone home.”

“I know,” Jim interjected.  “It must be something pretty serious.”

“It has to do with starting a family,” Mart said unexpectedly.

“How do you know?” Jim and Trixie said together.  “Did Honey tell you that?” Trixie added, unable to stop from feeling hurt that she hadn’t told her first.

Mart shook his head.  “No, she didn’t say anything about it.  But she spent most of the evening playing with Peter and David, and…I don’t know.  I could just tell it was on her mind by the way she was with them.”

Trixie felt like the world’s biggest idiot—how could she have missed the almost desperate way Honey held Katy on her lap the other night?  “Wow, I can’t believe I missed that,” she said, nibbling on her lip.

“Yeah, me too,” Jim added.  He looked at Mart askance.  “God, you don’t think Brian’s…uh…”

“In possession of slow swimmers?” Mart finished helpfully, a look of horror crossing his features. 

Trixie would have laughed had the situation not been so serious—the two men looked so stricken at the very idea.  “That’s not it,” she began, then told them briefly what she had learned in her long conversation with her oldest brother.

“What a mess,” Jim groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“A complete disaster,” Mart agreed.  He looked at his only sister.  “But don’t be too hard on the practitioners of your so called ‘boy logic’.  It’s a grand tradition started on the playground, honed in locker rooms everywhere and perpetuated by a society that wants their men to be the strong silent type.  Besides, we guys don’t get as much practice as you women do.  We go to the bathroom by ourselves!”  He ducked when Trixie threw his balled-up napkin at him.

“And you’re not exactly the champion when it comes to sharing what’s bothering you either,” Jim blurted.

Mart looked down at his bare wrist.  “Whew, look at the time!” he quipped, hastily scrambling to his feet and gathering his trash.  “Bye Sis!”  He made fast tracks for the door, making three points as his refuse neatly landed in the waste bin in the corner.

Trixie’s ire immediately converted to humor and to Jim’s relief she started giggling.  “How ever did we earn this reputation?” she said, her eyes widening in mock innocence.

“I’ve only got boy logic to guide me—how should I know?” Jim replied.  He hoped Brian talked to Honey soon—not only did those two belong together, it wasn’t good to carry that kind of suffering around.  Like he had told Neil the other day, it just took up too much valuable space.

Chapter 17

Before she could stop herself, Joeanne turned off the small TV and threw the remote control across the room.  After staying up almost the entire night watching the tape of Sammy’s hospital room, there just wasn’t a conclusive image she could use. 

Several times Deborah Lewis was captured in the act of bending over her son, but due to the angle of her body, it was impossible to tell what, if anything, she was doing.  She could already hear the defense attorney as he argued that for all they knew, Mrs. Lewis was simply kissing her child, or singing him a lullaby.

Joeanne groaned and dropped her face into her hands. It was a blow that the tape was useless when she’d been so sure.  But at least we finally know what caused Sammy’s “seizure”, she thought grimly.  Dr. Uniat, stunned and dismayed at the laboratory’s findings, finally admitted that perhaps, just perhaps, Joeanne might be on to something. “It would explain a great many things,” he’d said reluctantly.

There was also a fairly clear shot of the man who attacked Meggie.  Joeanne’s mouth tightened as she recalled the incredibly ugly sight of her face slamming down onto the crib, and the twisted look of anger on the dark haired man’s features.  They’d know his identity soon enough—a copy of the tape was already on its way to the local police department, as well as the FBI.

She stood up, wincing at the pain in her lower back.  She finally spotted the remote leaning up against file cabinet in the corner and sheepishly retrieved it.  Along with her father’s wiry frame and black hair, she’d also inherited his quick temper and an almost over-developed sense of justice.  Her mother used to tease her that it was too bad the position of ‘Batman’ was already taken, because she was perfect for the job. 

Joeanne smiled as she thought about her gentle mother.  I really need to call her.

“Hello Joeanne.”

Joeanne quickly straightened up, clutching the remote in her hand.  “What in the hell are you doing here?” she hissed at the elegantly dressed man entering her office uninvited.  His gray suit and pale yellow tie were impeccable as always.  Joeanne remembered a time when she admired his smart, polished appearance and felt slightly sick.

“Let’s not have a scene,” the man replied, shutting the door.  It was the voice he used when somebody made an uninformed remark in one of his classes and needed his guidance to set him straight.

Joeanne seethed at the patronizing tone and wondered again how she could have ever believed herself in love with this man.  When he first asked her out, she was flattered that somebody so intelligent and imposing could possibly be interested in her—a 22 year old in her last year of law school.  Although the age difference between herself and most of her fellow law students wasn’t as troublesome as the gap that existed in high school and college, she still felt out of her element when it came to the social rules everybody else seemed to take in stride. 

Let’s just say it was an awkward time and leave it at that! she heard Jim Frayne say again, and she couldn’t agree more.  She had never been on a date by the time she entered college at age 16, and while most of the girls in her dorm talked unashamedly about sex, enthralling, and at the same time embarrassing Joeanne with their discussions of different techniques, styles and positions; she secretly longed for a guy to hold her hand and take her to the movies.  Put his arm around her in the dark.  Kiss her goodnight at the door.  Instead, she found herself intimidated by the aggressive attitudes she encountered, earning the nickname ‘ice queen’ as she fought off the knowing, groping hands that only frightened her.  It wasn’t until three years later, when she was a 19 year old senior, that she finally felt reasonably comfortable in the company of the opposite sex.

And then there was Richard, her international law professor.

She’d been incredibly nervous on that first date—dinner at an elegant French restaurant where she couldn’t even read the menu.  Richard had ordered for both of them, and it set the tone for the entire length of their relationship.  At first she didn’t mind, much, when he made all the decisions about where they would go and what they would do.  She was dazzled by the courtly way he held doors open for her, talked to waiters in fluent French, chose fine wines. It seemed her lonely days and nights were over—it was almost like starring in a movie; a romantic adventure.

Until it turned into something ominous.

Like most evil, it started small. One day he pulled her into his office, seething because she ‘talked too long’ with one of the male students in her study group.  When she’d protested that they were merely discussing an assigned project, he gripped her upper arm so tightly she later found a bruise.  He apologized for getting ‘carried away’; didn’t it prove how much he loved her by how jealous she could make him? 

Troubled, she accepted his apology, sure he wouldn’t do anything like that again.  But he did.  Over the next few months, his possessiveness escalated until Joeanne felt like she could hardly breathe.  If she made or received any calls, he demanded to know who she was on the phone with.  She found her mail already opened.  He called her constantly on her cell phone until, exasperated, she shut it off. 

No longer taken with the idea that her awkward, skinny, too young self could cause a man like Richard to be jealous; she finally broached the subject of them not seeing each other anymore.  He was tender, sorry, wildly regretful; he begged her to reconsider.  She found herself uneasily wondering if she was being fair, letting him back into her life.  It was the biggest mistake she had ever made...

“I’m not making a scene,” she said through gritted teeth.  “I am simply asking you for the last time to stay away from me.  How many times do I have to tell you?  Do I have to actually get a restraining order for you to leave me alone once and for all?  Because I will, Richard.”

Richard shook his head, his expression that of a man who is witnessing a child throw a tantrum.  “After everything we meant to each other, how can you treat me this way?  You know I didn’t mean to do it—how many times to I have to apologize?”

Joeanne was incredulous.  “You can’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and expect everything to be okay!  What you did was heinous.  We both know you should have went to jail, and you would have if I had been smarter.”  She resisted the urge to look away, keeping her eyes on his.  “I would never make that mistake again,” she said firmly, her eyes glittering.

“I didn’t come here to rehash ancient history.  Believe it or not, I miss you.”  Richard looked around at the cluttered office and back at her again.  “You need me.  Just look at this place.  You’re obviously out of your element.”

Joeanne forgot how to breathe.  “You miss me.  Right.  You miss having a naive little girl to order around.”  For the rest of her life, she had to live with knowing that her first time was with a man who ultimately had no respect for her.  She thought about Dan and wanted to cry, keeping the tears back only with extreme effort, knowing that Richard would misunderstand them and think they were about him.  “In about five seconds I’m going to start screaming ‘rape’,” she said, inwardly wincing at the melodramatic cliche.  But like most cliches, it worked.

“Have it your way.  I don’t know why I bothered anyway—you really are just a naive little girl who doesn’t know the first thing about pleasing a man.”  He jerked open the door just as Dan was about to knock on it, giving him a disdainful look as he strode by, entering the stairwell without a backward glance.

Mr. Law Professor, Dan thought, giving the door a gentle rap before entering the office, shutting it behind him.  He momentarily froze at the sight of Joeanne standing stock still, the lost and hurt look on her expressive face filling him with an almost savage jealousy at the thought that she still cared for her former lover.  In the past, he never cared about the romantic history of the women he dated; he didn’t know what to do with the maelstrom of emotion that filled him.  It was simply unprecedented.

“I..that was...” Joeanne’s voice broke as tears began unexpectedly streaming down her face,  her hands clenching into fists.  He was probably right—her experience with him bore not the slightest resemblance to those heated conversations she remembered from her college days.  I guess I really am an ice queen, she thought miserably.

His jealousy fled as swiftly as it came.  “Are you all right?”  He reached her in two long strides, his arm sliding around her waist and pulling her into the support of his body.

Nothing could have prepared Joeanne for the flood of feeling that invaded her as she melted into his embrace.  She felt dizzy with shock and an earth shattering realization.  Oh God.  She had been attracted to Dan from the first, but with that concern she slipped helplessly over the edge.  She once thought she loved Richard, but suddenly realized she had never been in love before, and the power of it actually made her feel faint.  So much for not ever getting involved again. “I’m sorry—I’ve been up all night and I just wasn’t expecting to see him.” She reluctantly disengaged herself and grabbed a handful of tissue from the edge of her desk, pressing it to her eyes and nose.

His insecurity returned, but Dan tamped it down until it was a hard little stone somewhere between his heart and belly.  “Don’t be sorry.  It’s okay,” he said awkwardly.

Joeanne gave him a watery smile.  “Geez,  I must look horrible.”  She tossed the tissues into the trash, her hands still trembling. 

“Not at all,” Dan assured her.  He knew it was probably ridiculous to think that he could compete with the older man, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was touching her again. And again.  He pulled her into him with one hand, his other hand moving up to lightly touch her face.  “You’re so beautiful,” he said before brushing her mouth with a soft kiss.  He felt a surge of elation when she pressed against him, drawing his face down to hers to kiss him back.  It was all moving so fast—when he considered the fact that they’d only really known each other for about a week, he couldn’t believe it.  Surely he’d been with her forever.  He couldn’t remember the name of the last woman he’d held; there was only Joeanne.  There was only right now.

“That’s sweet of you to say,” she murmured.

“I speak the truth my faithful Indian companion!” Dan did his best Lone Ranger, hoping it would lighten the mood.  He heard a silvery sound and realized to his delight that she was giggling.

“It’s still nice of you to say,” she managed.

Dan drew back only enough to look at her.  “I’m getting the feeling though that you don’t believe me.”  When she lowered her eyes he sighed noisily.  “Man, you’re as bad as Trixie!”

“Trixie?  But she’s so…pretty,” Joeanne exclaimed, thinking that it wasn’t the quite the right description, but unable to find a word that accurately described her lively friend.

“Yeah.  And so are you,” Dan chided.  “Come have lunch with me,” he said, his voice low as he tucked her hair back over her ear with his fingertips.

Joeanne went very still; how could such a simple gesture send that kind of heat all the way down to the soles of her feet?

“God, don’t look at me like that,” Dan involuntarily muttered, really meaning the exact opposite.  He felt like he was dissolving as he hauled her into him.

Funny—I don’t feel much like an ice queen at the moment was the last coherent thought Joeanne had until they came up for air quite some time later.  She almost laughed aloud to think that most of the people from her old school wouldn’t even recognize her if she was standing right in front of them, waving happy hands and jumping up and down yelling, “the queen is dead!”

***

“Now, who’s that one?” Honey asked her niece as they sat in front of the television set watching Katy’s favorite show.

“That’s Angelica.  She’s very mean,” she replied.

“What about him?”

Katy giggled.  “That’s Chuckie.  He worries ALL THE TIME,” she said very solemnly.

“Note the red hair,” Trixie said as she entered the room, causing Honey to choke on the soda she was drinking.

“Don’t do that to me!” she gasped when she could breathe again, wiping in vain at the droplets of cola that were running down the front of her sweater.  It felt incredibly good to laugh.

Trixie waited until her daughter was engrossed in her show before saying, “Honey, I need to talk to you for a minute.”

“Okay,” Honey said, eyeing her best friend curiously.  She patted Katy’s head before following Trixie into the kitchen where Jim was loading the dishwasher.

As usual, Trixie got right to the point.  “Please don’t get mad at me, but I talked to Brian today.”

Honey scratched the back of her hand for a moment.  “You did, huh?” was all she said.

“You aren’t mad?” Trixie asked hopefully.

Honey shook her head.  “What’s the point? You can’t help it if you’re an incredibly nosy person!” She smiled, letting her sister-in-law know she was only teasing.

Trixie sank down at the table.  “Whew!”

Honey sat down, surprised.  “You were really worried, weren’t you?”

Trixie nodded.  “Look, somebody’s marriage is not something to mess around with.  And normally I wouldn’t.  Even I have my limits—” she smiled at her for a moment—“but Honey, well, this has just gone on long enough.  You’re miserable.  And so is Brian!”

“Brian’s miserable?” Honey said softly.  The anger that had lived and breathed in her all week finally began to loosen its terrible grip.

“Oh yes,” Jim interjected, joining them.  “He looked like the end of the world.”  At her stricken look he added, “Honey, what did you expect? Do you think he’s been having parties celebrating the fact that the woman he thought he’d grow old with is gone?” He rose from the table and left the room so abruptly that Honey was stupefied.

“What’s with him?” Honey asked, clearly upset.  She bit her lip.  “It hasn’t been a party for me either!”

“I know—this whole thing has just brought stuff up for him,” Trixie said.

“Oh,” she said quietly.  She hadn’t considered how her actions could affect other people. “I guess I should have gone to Mart and Diana’s.”

Trixie shook her head vigorously.  “No, no, no...don’t say that.  And anyway, it wouldn’t have made any difference.  He would have felt the same way once he heard about it.  It’s just something he has to deal with in his own way.”

“What a mess I’ve made of everything,” Honey said sadly.

Trixie patted her hand.  “That’s exactly what Brian said to me today.”

“Really? What else did he say?” Honey could hardly breathe as she waited for Trixie’s answer.

“I think you should hear it from him.  And Honey, I don’t mean to make you feel any worse than you already do, but I want you to keep in mind that, well, he has been trying to call you all week.”

Honey was startled.  “Now who’s the mind reader?” she asked wryly.  “I was about to get all upset over the fact that he explained everything to you before me.”  The two women smiled at each other with the joyful recognition that comes from being lifelong friends.

“So the next time he calls, you will talk to him?” Trixie said, and held her breath.

Honey slowly nodded.  “I can’t make any promises—the last time I tried to, I just got too upset to say much.  But...I’ll try.  Okay?”

Trixie felt the back of her throat loosen.  “Okay.”  She wanted so badly to talk to Honey about the pain she’d been going through this week thinking that Brian never wanted to have children with her, but she knew she had to let Brian talk to her first.  It was torture.  She stood up and stretched.  “Well, Katy and I have a date with a bathtub,” she said lightly, leaving the kitchen to Honey.

Honey sat there for a long while, thinking about what she would say if Brian called.  She was dismayed to realize that she still felt mad—she’d always been such a forgiving person in the past.  But she knew she could no longer avoid the situation.  She’d had her week to think and cool off, and now it was time to face the reality that she may have to choose between having a family and the only man she’d ever loved.  Her heart twisted as she realized it was no choice at all.  If she couldn’t have a family with Brian, she couldn’t have a family of her own, period.

She walked back into the living room where Jim was watching some wildlife show.  He turned his head at her approach and gave her a sheepish look.  “Sorry about what I said before.  I know this hasn’t been easy for you either.”

Honey sat next to him and patted his knee.  “Oh, you’re forgiven, I suppose.”  They watched as on the screen a solemn looking naturalist explained how the alpha wolves are usually the largest, most intelligent animals within the pack and they generally mate for life. “You don’t honestly think that Trixie would ever leave you, do you?” she asked casually.

“I think she’d have to have a good reason,” he answered evasively, not taking his eyes off the screen.  “You had a good reason.”

“Yes,” Honey said regretfully.  She could see the muscles in his jaw tighten.  “Has it escaped your notice that Trixie is crazy about you?”

Jim allowed himself a tiny smile; no, it had not.

“And anyway, I haven’t left in the permanent sense of the word.”  Honey hadn’t realized this was true until the moment she spoke it aloud.

“Even if...” Jim broke off, biting his lip.

He knows, she thought, but let it drop.  “I love him,” she said instead.  “And it will always come back to that.

Trixie’s cell phone began to ring, the beeping sounds of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ coming from the small table by the door.  “Could you get that Honey? My hands are all wet.” Trixie stood at the top of the stairs, hoping her face didn’t give her away.

“Sure,” Honey replied, rising from the couch.  She didn’t see Trixie’s grin of relief, but Jim did, a slow smile of understanding spreading over his face. He wondered why, after knowing this woman for 13 years, he was still surprised at the way she made things happen. 

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

Honey stayed silent, the whirl of emotions stilling her tongue. You’re miserable.  And so is Brian… She walked stiffly into the guestroom hardly able to see.

“Honey, please...” Brian’s voice pleaded.

“Please what?” she finally said, sinking down on the bed, pressing her hand into her forehead.

A long sigh followed.  “Please…see me.”

Honey closed her eyes and lay back against the pillows.  “What for?” she said, her eyes smarting at the unaccustomed coldness of her reply.  She heard his swift intake of breath.

“I deserve that.  God knows I do.  But won’t you please let me say how sorry I am and explain why it happened?”

She tried to reply, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t let her, the pain in his voice dissolving her anger, but not her anguish at the situation.

“Honey, are you still there?”

She swallowed hard.  “Yes,” she whispered.

“Sweetheart, please just give me a chance to explain.”

The endearment broke down the last of her defenses.  “Where are you?”  She smiled at his reply.

“I’m in the clubhouse,” he admitted sheepishly.  “I figured standing on Jim and Trixie’s porch and holding up a boombox playing ‘In Your Eyes’ would have been over the top.”  The sound of Honey’s soft laughter filled him with hope.

“Maybe just a little,” she agreed, swinging off the bed, standing up.

“But you’ll still come see me?”

Honey pressed the phone between her shoulder and left ear as she struggled to get her shoes on.  “I’ll be right there,” she promised, ending the call.  Brian closed the phone slowly, hoping that Trixie was right.

She walked out of the guestroom, pulling on her jacket.  “It was who you thought it was and yes, I’m going to talk to him,” she said to Jim before he could say a word.  Her eyes met those of her best friend as she came down the stairs holding Katy.  “AND I’ll even listen to what you’ve already heard!”  Her eyes were warm as they smiled at each other.

Trixie was relieved, feeling a rush of warmth for this woman who not only was her best friend in the whole world, but her sister as well, in every sense of the word.  “You really don’t think I’m a meddling sister-in-law?”

Honey reached the front door, calling over her shoulder fondly, “It takes one to know one, dear!”  She closed the door gently behind her with a small wave.

Honey approached the little gatehouse that they had all worked so hard on as teenagers, feeling again the old rush of pride she always felt when she saw the Bob White clubhouse.  It represented so many happy memories—as a child, belonging to a secret club had been her ultimate fantasy, and when the Bob Whites of the Glen were formed, her happiness with her new life in Sleepyside was complete.  We sure had some good times, she thought, running a hand through her silky, windblown hair.  And even some scary ones.  She wondered which kind she would have this time as she quietly pushed open the door and entered.  Brian swiftly approached her, putting his hands on her shoulders as if he were afraid she’d bolt again.  “Hi,” he said softly.  He kissed her cheek, and then the corner of her mouth, and then her mouth, and she fell into him the way she always did.  Damn it, she missed him!

“God, I’ve missed you,” he said, hugging her tightly to him, breathing in the delicate scent of her.  He knew only two things: he had to make her understand and she had to come home.  “You have to let me talk to you,” he whispered.

They stood quietly for a long moment, gently swaying together as they allowed themselves to absorb each other.  “Okay, talk to me,” Honey finally replied, annoyed with the needy way she was pressing into him, but, oh God, the past week without him had been sheer torture.

“I’m sorry for what I said.  I know you don’t want to have children just because Trixie and Diana do.  I can’t believe I said that.” His dark eyes were almost black with sorrow.  “It’s been hell without you,” he finished, kissing her again.

“I can’t believe you said it either.  Brian, it was…it was unforgivable.” Her voice was full of pain as she recalled the moment.

“I know it was.  There’s no excuse for it, but Honey, that day…it was the worst…” he broke off, visibly tormented, he had to make her understand, but how could he when he barely understood what he was feeling himself?  “I need to start at the beginning…”

He talked for so long he had to stop, find the old lantern still stored away and light it.  Honey asked no questions, merely letting him pour out everything he’d lived through the past couple of months.  When he finally stopped he could tell by her expression that Trixie had been very right about something—that he had hurt her more by keeping her in the dark.

“Why didn’t you trust me?” Honey murmured.  She rose and restlessly began pacing.  “What does it say about our marriage that you couldn’t tell me what was going on in your life?”

“I do trust you.  Oh God Honey, it was never about that.”

“You thought I wouldn’t love you anymore if I knew how scared you were.  Can’t you see that’s completely about trust?” Honey exclaimed, her face beginning to work.

Brian sat still as a stone as the reality of her words hit him.  “There’s nothing I want more out of life than to make this up to you.  For what it’s worth, I’ll never keep this kind of stuff hidden from you again.  Because Honey, I do trust you. I do!”

“What happened the day of our fight?” she asked gently.

Brian nodded in comprehension, standing up and facing her. “They brought in a little girl, she was feverish and having trouble breathing.  We did everything we could, but she was just too sick.  I had to go out there and tell this young mother that her daughter was gone.”  His face was pale as he relived the scene.  “All she could say, over and over again was ‘but a few days ago it was just a simple cold’, while I just stood there saying ‘I’m sorry’ like a jackass.”

Honey made a small sound in her throat as she threw her arms around him.

“When I got home and you started talking about starting a family, I guess I just snapped.  I remember thinking, I can’t ever go through something like that.  Our child could be fine one day, then catch a cold and die in the ER a few days later while somebody just like me stands there telling us, ‘I’m sorry.’  How would I survive?  So, I say the most hateful thing and cause the only woman I’ve ever loved to leave,” he finished, a bitter smile flitting over his face as he laid his head on her shoulder, completely drained.  “And I’m left wondering if she’ll ever forgive me.”

“Oh Brian, of course I forgive you.  I’m sorry too—I shouldn’t have left like I did.”  She pressed her cheek against his.  “You could have told me then what you just told me now, and we could have talked about it like we’re doing now, and…” They both started laughing at her rush of words.

“I love you so much—promise me you’ll never change,” Brian said, hugging her so tightly she almost couldn’t breathe.

“You’ve been acting strange for weeks, every time the subject of children came up,” Honey said against his neck.  “I kept thinking, does he think I can’t handle being a mother?” she admitted.

“Oh God,” Brian groaned.  “You would be the best mother on the planet.  It’s like I’ve told you; it was me I wasn’t sure about.  I see suffering practically on a daily basis.  I see what the parents go through and it scares me.”  He sat back down at the old conference table, pulling her into his lap.  “That day was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, I guess.  But it doesn’t excuse my crappy behavior.”

“So where does that leave us?  Brian, I love you with all my heart.  The thought of not having your child, our child…” Honey broke down and began to weep; she just couldn’t help it.

“Shoot me please; it’s less painful,” he muttered, drawing her head down onto his shoulder, stroking her hair.  He could feel her unhappiness settle in his body like a chill.  “I had a long talk with a certain good friend of yours not known for her ability to stay out of it,” he began, feeling a startled laugh break into her misery.  “I’m not going to lie to you and say, ‘and now all my worries are washed away and I see the error of my ways,’ but she did make me realize something.”

Honey managed to stop crying long enough to ask, “What was that?”

“That it’s stupid to think that you can just avoid heartbreak like you can avoid getting a traffic ticket.  That life offers no guarantees or apologies.”  He framed her face, wiping under her eyes with his thumbs. 

Honey smiled.  “That does sound like something Trixie would say.  Her and her ‘fair is where pigs go to win ribbons’!” 

“Actually, I came up with that one by myself, just now,” Brian smiled back at her.

She sobered, looking at him.  “If we had a child, I’d worry about him or her all the time,” she admitted.  “But isn’t that what parents are supposed to do?”

“Moms still asks me if I’m getting enough sleep,” Brian admitted with a wry smile.

“What they aren’t supposed to do is imagine all the different ways their child could…could die.”

“I know.  I’ve talked to some of the other doctors who have children and they said the same thing.  That with a lot of mental discipline, it can be overcome.”  He looked her in the eyes, taking a deep breath.  “With your help, I think I can do it.  But I’ll probably always be a worry-wart where my family’s health is concerned—do you think you can handle that?”

Honey threw her arms around his neck, kissing him soundly.  “I know I can.  I’ve had some practice having Jim as a brother, you know!”  They both laughed, knowing what a struggle it was for Jim not to smother people with his protective instincts.  “God, he works so hard at not worrying; at least, not worrying out loud.  Trixie says she can literally hear him grinding his teeth sometimes to keep from saying something that will drive her crazy!”

Brian nodded, grinning.  “It’s had a good effect on her though.  It’s curbed some of her recklessness—the Trixie of today would never go off to meet Big Tony, Blinky and Pedro by herself.”

“No, she wouldn’t,” Honey agreed softly, giving a small shudder as she remembered that terrifying time.  It was a miracle Trixie wasn’t shot to death on the spot.  “But she’s still Trixie,” she finished with a small grin. 

“And we wouldn’t really want it any other way,” Brian said.  He stood up, setting her down, keeping his hands around her waist.  “You know, if it wasn’t so cold, I’d suggest we start trying for our family right now!” he said suggestively, giving the table an evil leer.

Honey laughed with joy, leaning into him.  “It wouldn’t be cold for long…”

Chapter 17.5 contains a completely gratuitous sex scene; click the link if you would like to read the completely gratuitous sex scene. You must be over 18 and have the magic password. If you need the password, drop an email to password@jixemitri.net. Be sure and include your full date of birth in your request; remember LYING IS NOT THE BOB-WHITE WAY.  If you are not 18 or don't want to read a completely gratuitous sex scene, no worries, the plot isn't advanced in this bonus chapter; just use the navigation below.

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