Universe notes: This story takes place approximately one year after "God Bless the Child"

Come in From the Cold

Chapter One

When Trixie Belden-Frayne opened her front door that cold, snowy day in November, her black-haired cousin from Idaho was the last person she expected to see.

"Hallie!" Trixie exclaimed, throwing her arms around the tall, young woman.  "I can't believe you're here!"

Hallie returned her embrace and in seconds, Trixie realized something was wrong.  "Hal?" she said, drawing back and looking up into her face.  "What's happened?  Is it Uncle Harold or Aunt Kate?" Trixie gasped as her overactive imagination kicked in.  "It's Cap and Knut, isn't it?" she exclaimed, referring to Hallie's older brothers.

In spite of her misery, Hallie chuckled.  "I see nothing has changed," she drawled.  She attempted a smile that only made it half way.  "No, the family's fine.  I just needed to get away from the city and from...well, I just needed some peace and quiet."

Before Trixie could reply, a wail drifted from upstairs.  "And so you came here?" Trixie grinned, motioning her to follow.

"Did I wake her up?" Hallie asked as she followed Trixie up the stairs.

The two women entered the nursery, Hallie hanging back a bit shyly as Trixie bent down and picked up three-month old Madeleine Diana.

"Nope.  This girl's right on the dot, as usual," Trixie replied.  She smiled at her cousin.  "Will it freak you out if I feed her?"

Hallie snorted.  "I live in the city now-I can handle anything," she boasted, although she privately wondered if it would bother her.

Apparently, Trixie had no qualms and within seconds, Hallie was simultaneously amused by the baby's immediate cessation of crying, and touched at the little sounds of contentment she made.  It made her think of a dove cooing.   Hallie enjoyed the long, peaceful moment as she watched the ultimate scene of motherhood.  It reminded her of warm blankets on cold nights, her mother's good night kiss and world peace.

"So, what are you doing here?" Trixie asked as she slowly rocked Maddie in the antique chair given to her by her old friend Mrs. Vanderpoel.  "Not that I'm not awfully glad to see you," Trixie hastily added.

Hallie was silent as she watched her cousin.  As young girls, they hadn't gotten along at all; every encounter usually ending with one of the girls making an angry declaration.  As teens, they slowly learned how much they really had in common, and by the time they were young adults, they recognized a bond that can only exist between family.  Although complete physical opposites, they shared a deep love of family, the outdoors and a penchant for adventure.

"Trix, can we not talk about it just yet? I will tell you, I promise.  In fact, I came here because I really needed...well, it's just so good to see you," Hallie finished huskily.

Trixie carefully lifted the baby to her shoulder and began to softly pat her back before replying.  "Okay Hallie.  You know you're welcome to stay as long as you want."  She stood and held out the now yawning infant.  "Hold Maddie for a second while I get her diaper ready."

Hallie gingerly took the baby, secretly worried that she might drop her, squeeze her too tight, breathe on her, cause some kind of damage.  Those fears vanished in an instant as Maddie's sweet weight traveled from the crook of Hallie's left arm up into her shoulder.  The baby smelled milky and soft, and when she yawned again Hallie leaned down, brushing her lips across her new cousin's satiny brow, almost feeling as if she would cry.

"She's so beautiful," Hallie whispered, carefully laying her down on the changing table.

"Isn't she?" Trixie, like most mothers, didn't bother deflecting compliments aimed at her pride and joy.  "And she's such a good baby," she went on as she rapidly changed her. "She's already sleeping through the night and she only cries when she's hungry or wet."  She planted several soft kisses on her round cheeks before lowering her back into her crib.

The two women went back downstairs and into the kitchen. 

"Unlike Katy, huh?" Hallie said as she sat at the table while Trixie made them both tea.

Trixie grinned.  "Well, Katy's no dummy.  I think she somehow knew we were first time parents and decided she might as well get some big time cuddling out of the deal.  She's going to be real excited to see you."

"Where is she anyway?  School?"  Hallie felt a pang as she realized just how out of touch she was.

"Yep.  Even though I'm not working right now, Katy really loves her preschool class.  Normally, I'd be picking her up pretty soon, but today she's going home with Moms.  Tonight's the slumber party for Joeanne."

Hallie started; she'd forgotten all about it. "Oh no, and here I am horning in.  I can spend the night at Aunt Helen's," she began.

Trixie frowned.  "What for? We'd love to have you.  Honey and Di will be thrilled, and I know Joeanne won't mind.  You remember her, don't you?"  She handed Hallie a steaming mug of tea.

Hallie thought for a minute, taking a sip.  "Oh yeah, sure.  She was at your wedding, and now she lives in White Plains.  You and Honey helped her out with her first big case."

"And Dan," Trixie added, smiling a bit.  It was obvious to everyone just how serious Dan was about Joeanne, and she couldn't be happier, even though once upon a time, she'd harbored secret hopes that Dan and Hallie would get together.  But Hallie was engaged to a photographer she'd met on one of her modeling shoots anyway.

"How's Phillip?" Trixie asked, stirring some milk into her tea and taking a sip.

"Fine," Hallie said shortly.  Desperately wanting to change the subject, she said, "So, what's Dan doing these days?"

Trixie regarded her sharply for a moment.  "He's back in school going for his Master's in Child Psychology.  Remember? I emailed you all about it."  Her practiced eye noted the unhappy line of Hallie's mouth and she wondered just what was going on.

"That's great.  I was thinking of getting my Master's degree too."  Although in what, who knows? Hallie thought, feeling a weariness invade her very soul.  She continued, "This modeling nonsense has sure supplied the finances for it, so it might as well go for some good."  The dark look on Hallie's beautiful face was momentarily replaced with a look of mischief in spite of her mood.  When she was discovered by the Ford Modeling Agency while in line for a club in New York City while visiting her cousins, she thought they (the agency, not her cousins) were idiots and said so.  Unfazed, they offered her a contract and although she worked hard and was reliable, she never took the job seriously, refusing to adopt the unsmiling, sulky expression of the other girls as she loped down the runway.  The press loved it, and to Hallie's complete surprise, the job she intended to do as a lark for a few months ended up a career.  A career she'd never planned for, or expected. 

Trixie stuck out her tongue.  "Modeling nonsense...you kill me.  Nobody's lining up to take my 'just-had-a-baby-a-few-months-ago picture!"

Hallie reached across the table and lightly smacked her cousin's arm.  "You look great," she admonished.  And she did, despite the faintest hint of dark shadow smudging her blue eyes.  In her jeans and home knit sweater, her blonde curls going every which way, Trixie looked like the girl next door, grown up.  Hallie sighed inwardly-Trixie had the career she'd always dreamed about and was married to her childhood sweetheart.  Her life was going as planned.

Trixie reddened slightly.  "Whatever," she said lightly.  "Are you really going to go back to school?"

"I don't know," Hallie said, idly scratching the side of her cup.  "I don't know what I want."

"Did you and Phil have a fight?" Trixie asked bluntly.

"You could call it that," Hallie replied, her voice suddenly tight.  She ruthlessly pushed the images that crowded into her mind away, unable to emotionally deal with them again.  She stood up and restlessly paced the bright kitchen.

Trixie looked at her for a moment.  "Then a girl's night is just what you need.  Jo's birthday is tomorrow, but tonight is just for us girls.  No icky men allowed!"  She was just about to tell Hallie that Dan and Joeanne were an item, and that he was taking Joeanne out on her actual birthday, when the door leading into the kitchen suddenly opened.

"No men allowed? Does this mean I should eat lunch back at my office?" Trixie's husband Jim strode into the kitchen, stopping short at the sight of Hallie.  "Hey!" he said, giving her a hug.  "I didn't know you were coming to the famous slumber party too."

"Me either," Hallie mumbled.  She watched, suddenly envious, as Jim swept Trixie into a dramatic clinch, her heart suddenly pinching at the intimate scene.  "Ahem!" she playfully coughed, giving herself a mental shake as it suddenly occurred to her how long it had been since she herself had been embraced this way.  "Are you always like this in front of guests?"

"I just want Trixie to understand what she'll be missing since I'm banished to Mart's place tonight," Jim said.

"Mart's laid in enough junk food and beer to feed an army and he has all the Lethal Weapon movies on DVD.  You'll be just fine until tomorrow morning," Trixie quipped, hugging him for a moment.  "You, Mart and Brian can complain about the hideousness of your awful wives."

"What about Dan?" Jim asked.

Trixie smiled.  "He doesn't have a wife."  She ducked Jim's imaginary swing and fluttered her eyelashes.

"I meant, isn't he going too, smarty pants!"

Trixie shook her head.  "He has a class tonight and then a late night study group."

Hallie watched the interplay silently, her heart suddenly leaping at the thought of Dan.  He was such a good friend-always had been.  She hadn't heard from him in awhile, but it was just as much her fault.  She vaguely remembered his last email, something about dating someone new, but realized to her shame that she never answered it.  Why did I ever get involved with Phillip in the first place? she suddenly thought.  She cleared her throat.  "If I'm going to be any fun at a slumber party, I'd better take a little nap.  I hardly slept last night," she said.  Her heart fell into her stomach as she remembered just why she hadn't slept.

"Okay, you remember where the guest room is, right?" Trixie asked, her voice concerned.  She could see by Hallie's shuttered gaze that she just wasn't ready to talk about it.

"Yeah.  I'll see you tomorrow, Jim," Hallie threw over her shoulder as she left the room abruptly.

Trixie looked at Jim.  "Something terrible has happened between her and Phillip," she said, her blue eyes troubled.

Jim gently tugged one of her curls.  "Then she's come to the right place.  Hopefully, she'll open up to you guys tonight and tell you what's bothering her."

"I don't know...it's not Hallie's way.  She'll worry about ruining our good time and probably will act like everything's just fine."  Trixie sighed noisily.  "It's awful mysterious, her showing up like this."

Jim groaned and covered his ears.  "Didn't somebody who looks just like my wife say 'no new mysteries for six months'?"

Trixie elbowed him.  "You know I meant no Belden-Wheeler Detective Agency work for six months," she said.  "What's the matter-don't you think I can handle it?"

Jim smiled and cupped her chin with his fingertips.  "I'm not under the impression that there is anything you can't handle," he said, kissing her upturned face.

Only losing you, she thought silently, thinking back to a few months ago when it was a distinct possibility.  Looking at her sturdy husband, it was almost impossible to believe he had ever been at death's door.  Almost.  She closed her eyes and leaned against him.

"Don't worry; I'm sure Hallie'll be just fine," Jim said, resting his chin on top of her head.

"Mmm hmmm."

"How's Maddie?"

"Sleeping."

Jim put his arms around her.  "How's Trixie?"

Trixie pressed her cheek into his shoulder.  "Home for lunch, huh?"

Jim moved a hand into her hair.  "So sue me," he murmured.

"I took some of that disgusting pink stuff and Maddie even let me have a nice nap," she said.  "I'm perfectly fine-just like I told you earlier.  Worrywart!" she finished with affection.

"All right then.  I'll go home with Mart later, and we'll head into the city and pick up chicks.  How does that sound?"

Trixie grinned.  "It sounds as likely as all the male exotic dancers I've hired as this evening's entertainment!"

They laughed together, but Trixie's mind swerved immediately back to her troubled cousin.  What was bothering her?  And was a carefree evening with friends what she needed?

Trixie hoped so.

Chapter 2

"I expect a full report when I see you tomorrow," Dan said to his girlfriend of nearly a year.  He lounged in the doorway to her bedroom as she hastily threw a few items into her overnight bag.

"What kind of report?" Joeanne said, neatly snapping the little case shut.  "Just what is it you think we're going to do tonight?"  She swung the case onto the floor and looped her arms affectionately around Dan's neck.

"How should I know? That's why I need the report."

Joeanne pretended to consider the matter.  "Hmm...well, I'm guessing there'll be lots of frolicking while scantily clad.  Oh, and maybe we'll play Mystery Date!"

"You know, the cabin's a pretty short walk from Trixie and Jim's.  Maybe I could provide the obligatory 'boy sneaking over' to the festivities..."

"Obligatory...festivities?  You've been spending waaaay too much time with Mart lately!"

Dan put his hands on her waist and pulled her against him.  "Then maybe it's for the best that I'm not going over there tonight."  He sighed dramatically.  "I never get to have any fun."

"Never?" Joeanne purred before pulling his face down to hers for a lingering kiss.  It was still a source of amazement to her that she could feel so free with a man.  Shy and unsure in the past, her time with Dan felt like a sexual Disneyland to her.  And she was loving every minute of it.

Dan never pushed her away, always welcomed her touch, made it abundantly clear that he wanted to be with her.  Joeanne reveled in the affectionate freedom, putting her arms around him whenever she wanted, slithering into his lap when they watched T.V., planting unexpected kisses in fun places.

Should it matter that for all that, Joeanne found herself wondering if they had a real future together?

It wasn't that he didn't love her.  Joeanne knew he did.  But she sensed an undiscovered part of him, feeling somehow that he was holding it back in reserve.  She knew his painful past probably had a lot to do with it, but other than a sketchy outline, he never talked about his life before coming to Sleepyside to live as his Uncle's ward.  She got the uneasy feeling that he was trying to somehow protect her-but didn't he know that his silence was her biggest fear?  She wanted all of him.

And wasn't she just as guilty?  Dan would never intentionally hurt her, but she was holding a part of herself back as well, never even leaving anything behind at his place, not a toothbrush, nothing.  Her heart even gave out an unexpected pound when she found his jacket hanging in her hall closet this morning.  What was she afraid of?  She loved Dan with all her heart-the thought of being without him tied her stomach into knots, and yet, and yet...

You're overanalyzing again.  Just enjoy your life! she admonished herself.  She smiled up at him.

"Are you having fun yet?" she teased, arching up against him like a cat, loving the solid feel of his strong body pressing into hers. 

"Loads," he growled, beginning to lift her skirt as he crushed his lips to hers. 

The playful mood was suddenly replaced with one thick with sensuality. 

"Dan...I have to go..." Joeanne protested, but even as the words were leaving her lips, her hands were speaking another story.

They slid to the floor and made urgent love within a tangle of clothes and limbs, their mouths glued together.

"That was fast-good thing I had the hiccups!" Joeanne quoted playfully, albeit breathlessly.  She pulled her skirt back down as Dan rolled onto his back, pulling her with him so that she lay sprawled across him.  "Is that what you'd call a quickie?" she murmured affectionately.

His chest heaving, Dan managed to wheeze an affirmative reply.

"Mmmm," Joeanne said, snuggling into him as he stroked her hair.  They listened to each other breathe for a few moments before Joeanne remembered.

"Dan, my love, I really have to go.  And so do you.  Doesn't your train leave in 20 minutes?"  She kissed his ear and reluctantly began to rise.

Dan managed to lift his head enough to look at the clock on Joeanne's bedside table, groaning at the time.  He pulled her back  "Right you are, honey."  He kissed her, tucking her hair behind her ear in a gesture that never failed to thrill her.  "Tomorrow we won't be in such a hurry," he promised, his heart stopping at the loving expression on her face. 

How the hell did I get this lucky? he wondered, not for the first time.  God, don't blow it, Mangan.  Do not blow this.  Like many people who experienced great loss in their lives, Dan was almost afraid of the happiness that came into his life.  Although he'd come a long way from the hurt, distrustful boy who first moved to Sleepyside, there was still a secret part of him that wondered if he was marked for heartache.  He loved Joeanne so much it hurt, yet, he found himself keeping a part of his life separate from hers.  Almost as if it was inevitable that she be taken away, so he damn well better have a back up life to return to...

He sat up so she could rise, grinning as she tried to smooth her clothes back into a semblance of neatness, from temptress back to neat, precise Joeanne.  Man, he loved her.  He'd told her so, many times.  But was it enough?  It sometimes seemed like she was far away from him-as many times as she'd been with him in the little cabin in the middle of the woods, there was nothing here that reminded him of her after she left.  It was almost like he'd dreamt the whole encounter.

He knew her job kept her busy.  And besides, didn't a  real relationship take time?  At least, that's what he'd always heard.

"What am I going to do with you?" Joeanne said, giving her clothes one last pass before tugging up her thick, black tights.

"I think you know the answer to that," he quipped, picking up her suitcase.  She was here right now, and she loved him.

Joeanne shrugged into her coat and followed him through the living room to the entryway.

"Hold on; don't forget your jacket," she said as he reached for the door.  "It's cold," she reminded him.

Dan set the case down and opened the hall closet, quickly donning his leather jacket  "Okay?" he said, secretly touched by her concern for his well being.

"I want you nice and healthy for tomorrow!" she said, her eyes sparkling as she smiled at him in that certain way of hers that made his knees turn into jelly.  What moved him the most was her complete unawareness of her affect on people.  There were lots of attractive women out there, but so many of them knew it, their smiles as calculating as a loan shark. 

He walked her to her car, tossing her suitcase into the backseat as she picked up his black scarf from the front seat. 

"I'll see you tomorrow," she murmured, wrapping the scarf around his neck, then using it to pull him close enough to kiss goodbye.  At least we have tomorrow.  I know that much.

"Tomorrow," he agreed.  "Have fun.  Love you."

"I love you, too."  She got in and trilled her fingers before driving away.

Dan watched her go for a moment before slowly getting into his own car.

"Tomorrow," he repeated aloud, his face splitting into a sudden grin at the thought of all the tomorrows he could have with this woman he loved.  If he just didn't blow it!

***

"Oh God," Trixie moaned, dramatically clutching her stomach.  "If I eat one more thing I'm going to be sick!"

Four women sprawled in Trixie's comfortable living room, taking a break from adulthood for one night.  The atmosphere was relaxed, punctuated by frequent bursts of hilarity and gluttony.

The coffee table held several recently emptied plates that earlier in the evening held chocolate chip cookies, brownies and other various finger foods high in taste, but very low in nutrient value.  The slumber party for Joeanne's birthday was in full swing.

Joeanne grinned, rubbing her own belly.  "And guys wonder what really goes on at slumber parties!"  She smiled secretly, thinking about Dan and his request for a full report, growing warm when she thought about their explosive encounter earlier.

Diana stretched and yawned, looking at the woman who, once upon a time, was just the very shy daughter of a man who lived near her family.  She was glad that Joeanne had long ago gotten over the embarrassment of her family's past struggles.  "Mart has his own ideas on that subject," she said, referring to Trixie's brother, who also happened to be her husband.  "Mainly involving pillow fights and giggling, I'm afraid."

Honey plucked the pillow from behind her and gently whacked Diana on the head with it.  "That should make him happy," she said, as everyone laughed.

"And what is Brian's take on the whole slumber party thing?" Diana asked.  Brian was Mart's older brother and married to Honey.

Honey snorted inelegantly, causing everyone to giggle again.  "He just pressed a box of Alka Seltzer in my hand and said, 'good luck!' she said, rolling her eyes and reaching for the last mozzarella stick, biting into it with obvious relish.

Hallie had to admit she was feeling a little better, glad that her cousin had insisted she join in, but there was still a dull persistent ache somewhere in the vicinity of her throat.  She wondered if Phillip was with her tonight, and shuddered, pushing at the dark thoughts of her fiancé until they sank back out of sight.

"How long will you be staying, Hallie?" Diana asked, taking a sip of her wine.

Hallie, deep in thought, didn't reply, picking up a nearby picture and gazing into it.

Diana repeated the question. 

"Huh?  Oh, I don't know," Hallie said, her voice absent-minded.  "What is this?" she grinned, holding up the framed picture.  In it, Dan was seated, a very pregnant Honey and Trixie on either knee, Diana hugging him around the neck while standing behind the group.  All three women wore the same sickly, adoring expressions.

Trixie laughed.  "Oh I call that shot 'Dan the Man'!"

Hallie's laughter was genuine.  "Classic!  What, was Dan in-between girlfriends or did she just not care?"

"Actually, I took the picture," Joeanne said lightly.  She ignored the 'in-between girlfriends' remark, deciding that Hallie didn't mean anything by it.  She and Dan had already discussed much of his dating history, and she figured if Dan could deal with the fact that she was once pregnant with another man's child, the least she could do was accept the fact that he had dated other women.  A lot.  "Anybody want another soda or anything?" she asked, standing and stretching.

After she left the room, Hallie turned a rueful face to Trixie.  "Me and my big mouth.  Is she going out with Dan?"

Oh that's right, I meant to tell her about that, Trixie thought, but the sound of twin wails distracted her. 

"Your daughter must have kicked my son," Honey said with a smile, beginning to rise.

"No, your son probably hit my daughter," Trixie grinned back.  The two cousins were sharing a crib upstairs and had thus far been miraculously quiet.  "Be right back," Trixie called over her shoulder as she and Honey headed for the stairs.

"Wonder how the guys are getting along with two energetic two year olds," Diana said to Hallie with a smirk, referring to her twin boys.

But Hallie was once again staring at the picture of Dan and company in her hand, a soft smile flitting across her face.  Dan had both arms around the two woman, a hand resting on each pregnant belly, a deliberately lascivious smile filling his face.  She found herself wondering how long Joeanne would last before Dan followed his usual m.o. and eased himself out before things could get complicated.  But at least he kept it light, never promising anything, sticking with women who didn't seem to desire much of a commitment anyway.  He never made promises that he never had any intention of keeping....She set the picture down, savagely twisting the engagement ring on her left hand, tempted to remove it and drop it into the empty frosting can they'd all been dipping their fingers into.  She felt suddenly as if she was floating, her nose stinging with unshed tears.

"Hallie, is something wrong?"

Hallie jolted and looked into the very concerned face of Diana Lynch-Belden.  "Yes," she said softly.  She removed her engagement ring without thinking.

Diana noticed the gesture.  "Are you and Phillip having problems?"

Hallie's smile didn't reach her eyes.  "I seem to be having the problems," she said wryly.  She gently laid the ring down onto the coffee table.  "But can we just have some more wine for right now?" she pleaded.

Diana eyed the ring, but refrained from further comment, patting her shoulder.  "We can do anything you want," she said stoutly, reaching for the bottle and pouring out more of the ruby red wine.  So there is something wrong with Hallie, Diana thought silently, studying the other woman as she took what could only be called a gulp of her wine.  Hallie's normally placid expression was haunted, the skin under her eyes drawn and tight.  I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid, Diana thought, taking a more reserved taste of her wine.  She knew too well that when it comes to matters of the heart, most people operate under a whole new set of rules and actions.  She silently sighed as Hallie finished her wine with two more large gulps, setting her glass down with a snap.  Oh boy.

Hallie's head felt like it was spinning, her heart thumping miserably in her chest.  What am I going to do? she suddenly thought in despair.  She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life, and now it looked like the only certain part of it was no longer certain.  "How about some more?" she said, trying out a 'what the hell' grin.  But judging from Diana's serious expression, it didn't do the trick.

"Sounds good to me," Joeanne said as she re-entered the room.  She set down her diet coke and picked up her own abandoned glass.  "What the hell, it is my birthday, after all!" 

Joeanne looked at Hallie thoughtfully; although she didn't know her very well, it was plain to see that something was bothering her.  She thought about what Dan had told her once about Hallie Belden, when he spotted her gazing at her picture on the cover of that month's Allure magazine.

"Yeah, one Summer Trixie's cousin Hallie came out to stay with them.  I thought she was cute-I seem to have a thing for black haired women!" Dan had said, when she asked him how well he knew her.

"Do you ever wish something would have come of it?" Joeanne had asked, unable to quell the momentary flare of jealousy filling her.  Hallie looked impossibly beautiful.

Dan had shaken his head. "No...it never would have worked.  She wasn't around for most of the year, and anyway, I wasn't into serious relationships back then.  So there was no way I was going to risk bringing down the wrath of her two older brothers.  Not to mention her three older cousins!"

"Three?" Joeanne questioned, thinking that Trixie and Hallie were the same age.

"Oh yeah, three.  Trix is a year older than Hallie and she would have kicked my ass if I tried to pull anything with her cousin.  Believe me!"  He seemed to know where her thoughts were going because he removed the magazine from her hand and kissed her cheek, saying, "I'm happy with everything just the way it is."

So was she.  Joeanne smiled, holding out her glass for Diana to fill.  It was time to commit the rest of herself.  Otherwise, how could she expect Dan to?

Diana re-filled all their glasses.  "Don't forget to drink some water before going to sleep," she advised, setting down the bottle.

"If you say so, Princess Di!" Hallie said.  She looked at Diana, who, like Trixie, had ended up marrying her childhood sweetheart.  She suddenly felt so cold she immediately drained half of her glass, welcoming the brief warmth that flared in her belly.  She went still, and wondered when her life had stopped being about what she really wanted.  And did she even know what she wanted?  Modeling was fun and it paid well, but it felt so trivial and meaningless to her.  She thought she wanted a life with her fiancé Phillip, but now that choice seemed unavailable too.

She stood stroking the white ridge the ring left behind with her fingertips, the bit of flesh sunken as if part of herself was removed and in need of being filled up.

***

It was just after 1:00 am when the four women decided to call it a day.  Joeanne took the downstairs guest room, Hallie occupied Katy's vacated bed and Honey and Trixie decided to share the master bedroom.

"Just like old times, huh?" Honey said, smiling at her sister-in-law and best friend as she drew back the covers of the large bed and scrambled in.

Trixie tried to smile back, but her stomach gave a sudden lurch.  She rushed into the bathroom and was even more violently ill than she was earlier that morning.

"Trix!" Honey cried, leaping out of bed and rushing into the bathroom just as Trixie shakily rose to her feet.  She put her arms around Trixie's shoulders and helped her to the sink, turning on the water so that Trixie could rinse her mouth and splash her face.

"Are you okay? Should I call Brian?"

Despite feeling like crap, Trixie managed a laugh.  "And tell him his sister got sick after eating a ton of junk food?  He'd just say it served me right."  She began to briskly brush her teeth, welcoming the taste of peppermint filling her mouth.

"No he wouldn't," Honey said.  She folded her arms, noting the paleness in Trixie's normally rosy face.

Trixie rinsed the toothpaste out with Scope and hung up her toothbrush, giving her face one last splash and patting it dry.  "It's nothing," she insisted.  The two women walked back into the room, Honey grabbing Trixie's arm as she suddenly buckled.

Trixie sat heavily on the bed as Honey exclaimed, "Something is wrong!"

"Please Honey, don't make a fuss," Trixie pleaded as she crawled under the covers.  She smiled wanly at the other woman.

"Don't make a fuss?  You threw up and practically fainted!  I'm calling Jim."

"Hon, please don't do that.  You know how he worries," Trixie begged.

Honey hesitated, her hand halfway to the phone resting on the nightstand.  Encouraged, Trixie went on, "I just ate too much and I'm tired.  That's all it is.  Really."  How do you explain this morning and yesterday? a voice whispered in her brain.  As Honey continued to look skeptical, Trixie added swiftly, "If I'm still feeling woozy tomorrow, I'll make an appointment.  Okay?"  Probably just a bug, Trixie tried to reassure herself.

"Promise?  Because if you're really sick and you don't do anything about it, and Jim and Brian find out that I knew and didn't tell them or make you go to the doctor, they'll kill me!"  Honey said in one huge rush.

Trixie grinned at Honey's usual way of speaking.  "Promise," she said, the nauseated feeling beginning to fade.  She let out a huge yawn and leaned back against her pillows.  "Turn out that light-you know Maddie and Matty are gonna get us up at the crack of dawn."

"All right then," Honey said grudgingly.

"Boy, ever since you've become a mom, you're such a pain!" Trixie quipped.

Honey turned out the light and slipped under the covers.  "Bite me," she mumbled sleepily, borrowing one of Trixie's favorite expressions.  She rolled onto her favorite side for sleeping and was instantly asleep.

Trixie put her hands behind her head and stared thoughtfully up at the ceiling.  Truth be told, she hadn't felt truly well in almost a week.  I'll call the doctor tomorrow, she decided.  Better safe than sorry.

Chapter 3

Hallie's eyes snapped open and for one awful moment, she had no idea where she was.  Then she remembered, and she sank back against the pillows, her eyes filling with tears.  Never in her life had she felt so miserable and alone.

She went out into the kitchen and poured herself some more wine, even though her head was still spinning from before.  She felt cold and hollow, the warmth of the liquor only offering temporary warmth.

She sat at the oak table and continued to drink until the bottle was completely empty and she was fairly drunk.  Desiring fresh air, she lurched to her feet, almost knocking the chair over in the process and froze, holding her breath until she was sure nobody was awakened by the sound.

She opened the door leading out of the kitchen to the outside and sucked in a large lungful of winter air, the cold leaving her breathless.  A very light snow was just beginning to fall, and the gentle beauty of the white flakes drifting lazily in the inky sky filled her with an unbearable longing.

"Dan," she moaned aloud, gazing through the snow as if she could see his cabin from where she stood.  The sudden longing to see him was savage-she was too drunk and upset to bother analyzing why.  Before she knew it, she had changed back into her black jeans and thick pink sweater, pulling on her coat and softly closing the door behind her, a borrowed flashlight in her hands.  She was able to quell the part of her that knew it was wrong to show up at Dan's in the middle of the night, keeping her head down, her thoughts quiet as she trudged along.  She arrived at the cabin in the middle of the preserve at last.  It was quiet and still.

Dan and Mr. Maypenny never bothered to lock the front door.  She entered the modest cabin and  quietly mounted the stairs leading to Dan's bedroom, her heart pounding as she looked down at his sleeping form.  If she could just hold him for a few moments, maybe everything would be okay.  It had been so long since Phillip really held her, she suddenly realized.  Was finding him in their bed with another woman really out of the blue?  He'd been distant for  months, "too tired" to make love.  Hallie groaned inwardly at missing the classic signs of an affair.

"Dan," she whispered hopefully, but he slept soundly, flat on his back, his hair endearingly in his eyes.

She removed her clothing until only her bra and underwear remained, her movements dreamlike, the alcohol and the sadness intermingling in her veins until she thought she would faint.  She pulled back the covers and slipped into the bed, pushing the sudden thought of Joeanne away.  This was Dan-it couldn't be serious between them.  And anyway, it was just for a minute, just long enough to stop the shaking that was filling her from head to foot.  She'd stay just a minute and then she'd return to Trixie's house.  And maybe tomorrow, she and Dan could talk.  Maybe tomorrow, he'd realize that there was a chance for them, and she wouldn't have to be alone.  Maybe tomorrow, she could stop thinking about betrayal and broken promises and a life that seemed smashed to pieces.

She snuggled into his side and laid her head on his shoulder, her whole body leaping when he rolled into her and pulled her into his arms.  Ah God, it felt so sweet, this borrowed, stolen moment...

"Jo...," Dan mumbled, pressing against her. 

Hallie stiffened, the haze of drunkenness deepening almost in defense against her crushing disappointment.  She sank into his body heat for one healing moment, her head spinning crazily, slipping into a semi-state of unconsciousness that wasn't broken until a muffled "Oh God!" wakened her, and she found herself staring up into the horrified eyes of Joeanne Darnell.

***

Joeanne slowly awakened from her heat-filled dream, sleepily reaching for Dan and coming more fully awake when all her hands encountered were cool sheets.

She yawned and opened her eyes, feeling flushed and more than a little warm from the erotic images still dancing just behind her eyes; she and Dan making love on a magically sand-free blanket on their own private beach...

She sat up and smiled, a sudden feeling of mischief coursing through her.  What would Dan say if she were to show up in the middle of the night?  She felt desire pooling in the pit of her stomach.  Actually, she knew exactly what he would say.  Or rather do.

She quietly got out of bed and dressed, grinning wickedly when she didn't bother with any undergarments.  She wanted to give herself to him fully after all...

She scribbled a quick note to Trixie, smiling again as she ended the note with a "just couldn't resist the temptation-I'm sure you'll understand!"  She propped it up against her pillow and left the room.

She walked through the kitchen, not noticing the empty wine bottle and glass on the kitchen table, until she reached the back door, closing it carefully behind her.  Did we really go through two bottles of wine? No wonder I'm feeling so giddy! She giggled as she began to run through the snow that was starting to come down, not even feeling the cold as she fairly danced down the path to happiness.

It seemed like the world's best dream until she reached Dan's bedroom at last.

"Oh God!" Joeanne gasped as her eyes took in a sight that could not be real.  She stared down in horror at the two figures entwined together in the bed, her stomach clenching so tightly that she couldn't breathe.  No...no, was all she could think.

Hallie stared back at her and could say nothing-the moment stretching out for what seemed like an eternity.

Dan stirred and wakened, blinking confusedly up at Joeanne.  He turned his head and let out a gasp of his own at the sight of Hallie Belden.

"What the..." he began, desperately trying to make sense of the situation.  It was not unlike the sensation of falling asleep on a long car trip, only to awaken in a different state.

"How could you?" Joeanne cried, her voice so anguished that Hallie flinched.  She turned her gaze onto Hallie.  "I can't believe this," she hissed through clenched teeth.  "Is this why you showed up?"

Dan pulled away from Hallie as if he were burned and sat up.  "Joeanne!  No, it isn't...I don't know..."

"Bastard," Joeanne moaned, her voice thick with tears.  Her fists clenched and unclenched as she backed away from the bed, her chest heaving as she began to hyperventilate desperately.  She turned, blinded with rage and grief, the smash audible as her face collided with the edge of the door.  Joeanne staggered back,  blood streaming down her face.

"Oh God...baby..." Dan fought his way out from the tangle of covers, but it was too late; Joeanne had fled down the stairs, her hand pressed to her face.

"Joeanne! Wait!" Dan yelled desperately as he took off after her.  He didn't notice Mr. Maypenny's sleepily confused face as the older man walked into the living room from his room downstairs.  He only had eyes for Joeanne, who had bolted through the front door, disappearing into the early morning darkness.

Without a thought, he ran out into the clearing, straining to see her through the snow that was coming down harder than ever.  He felt intense pain and stumbled to a stop, cursing as he realized the cause-he wasn't wearing anything on his feet.

"Damn it!" he yelled, charging back into the cabin so he could jerk on his boots.  But by the time he ran back outside, she was long gone.  Dan stood there for a moment, undecided.  "Trixie's!" he said out loud.  He started to run again, not stopping until he reached his destination.  He jerked open the back door and entered the warm kitchen, continuing on until he reached the living room, but nobody was there.  He started to call out her name, but remembered Maddie and Matty.  He didn't want to wake them.

"Joeanne?" he whispered, looking around wildly.  He checked the guestroom, his heart leaping at the sight of Joeanne's overnight case.  But she wasn't there. 

He debated about going upstairs, his foot resting on the bottom step, when a sudden thought gave him pause.  Moving quickly to the front door, he opened it, his heart sinking as his suspicion was confirmed.

Joeanne's car was no longer there.  She was gone.

Dan stood there for what seemed like an eternity, his heart pounding wildly.  All he could think of was that she must have returned to her apartment.  So that was his next move-drive to her apartment and make her understand.  He began to shiver and realized for the first time that he was only wearing old sweats and a White Plains Police Department tee shirt.  The snow was relentlessly falling-he had to go home and put on some proper clothes or he would freeze.

He shut the door as softly as he could and swiftly made his way back to the kitchen, his face set in grim lines.  This could not be happening.  He thought about Hallie for the first time, noticing the empty wine bottle on the kitchen table in passing on his way out the door, feeling a bolt of anger.  What the hell was Hallie trying to pull? 

He ran all the way back to the cabin, running into Mr. Maypenny as he made his way through the clearing towards him, wearing a thick coat over his pajamas.

"Son, what's going on?" he asked Dan, his weather-beaten face wearing an uncharacteristic look of concern.

"I don't know," Dan answered honestly, stopping briefly in front of him.  "I have to get dressed and go after her," he called over his shoulder as he continued on into the cabin.

Mr. Maypenny followed him in, but returned to his own room, knowing that there wasn't anything he could do at this point.  He thought about the pretty young girl whose eyes glowed whenever they looked at Dan and sighed.  He wasn't sure what was going on, but whatever it was, it had to be pretty bad for her to run out of the cabin like that.  He hoped everything was all right, because if it wasn't, he didn't think Dan would be able to handle it very well.  He knew too well that when you love only one person in your lifetime, you never get over it once she's gone.  Never.

As Dan entered the upstairs hall, Hallie emerged from the bathroom shakily.

"Dan," she began.

Dan held up his hand.  "I don't want to hear it.  I don't know what the hell kind of game you're playing, but I'll tell you this.  If you've ruined things between me and Joeanne, you do not want to be anywhere near me."  He kicked off his boots and picked them up, entering his room.

Dan's words hit her like bullets.  She knew she deserved them, but felt her knees weaken anyway.  She followed him into his bedroom.

"I just really needed a friend," she whispered hopelessly as Dan jerked jeans and a sweater on without bothering to remove his sleepwear.

Dan whipped around and looked at her incredulously.  "So you break into my house and come into my bed?  You've got some screwed up idea of friendship, lady."  He began to pull his boots back on.

Hallie stood in the doorway.  "I didn't think...I didn't know you two were...oh God, I'm so sorry Dan.  I'm so sorry."

Dan didn't look at her.  "I don't have time for this now.  I have to find her and make things right."  He finished lacing up his boots and stood up.

Hallie walked further into the room.  "I needed a friend," she repeated dully, her eyes filling up with tears.  She laid a hand on his arm.  "I needed you.  I thought maybe there was a chance for you and I...we've always been such good friends.  I know you're furious with me right now, but, oh Dan, why can't we have a chance?"

Dan finally looked at her, a small part of his anger dying away at the completely bleak expression filling her dark eyes.  He'd never seen her look like this, and it suddenly occurred to him that her actions were completely out of character for her.  Something must be wrong.  But this wasn't the time and he had his priorities.  Joeanne was terribly hurt, both physically and emotionally.  He had to find her and make things right.  He had to.

"Why?" she repeated softly, feeling hope at the slight softening of his expression as he looked at her. 

Dan shook his head, his voice as kind as it could be, considering the circumstances.  "Because," he said, looking her square in the eyes so there could be no misunderstanding.  "Because you're not her," was all he could think of to say.

Hallie choked back a sob as he went by her without another word, hearing his boots on the stairs and the slam of the front door.  What was left for her now?

Chapter 4

Trixie slowly left the doctor's office, shivering and pulling her coat tighter around her as she headed for her car, the dark, bleak sky a perfect accompaniment to her mood.  She slid numbly behind the wheel and fastened her seatbelt, turning on the ignition.

She drove to her childhood home without noticing her surroundings, hearing the doctor's words again and again.

"Trixie, we need to test you to be sure..."

She had sat on the edge of the examination table, wearing the paper nightgown that never felt like it was covering anything, and stared at the doctor, unable to say a word.  It was the last thing she expected to hear.

"I'm not going to think about this now," Trixie said aloud, turning into the driveway at Crabapple Farm.  She went to the door that led into the kitchen and was greeted by the unmistakable smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.

"Mommy!" her oldest daughter cried happily, running in her typical fashion towards Trixie, her arms stretched out.

Trixie scooped her into her arms and hugged her tightly, mindless of the chocolate all over her face.  Katy was warm and wriggly and made everything seem possible.

"Me and Grandma are making the best cookies and I got to lick the bowl!"

"I see that," Trixie smiled, grabbing a paper towel and wiping at the smears of chocolate that appeared around the little girl's mouth and chin.  "Thanks Moms," she added, shifting Katy to one side so she could kiss her own mother's cheek.  Katy's preschool was closed for the day while the teachers attended a seminar.

Helen Belden smiled at her only daughter.  "A few hours with my two favorite granddaughters hardly needs a thank you," she commented.  She reached out and pushed a stray curl out of Trixie's eyes, just as she used to do when Trixie was a young girl.  "How is everything?" she asked, her voice full of meaning.

"Fine," Trixie mumbled.  She sat down with Katy in her lap, stroking her reddish gold curls. 

Her mother looked at her sharply for a moment then handed Katy a small plate containing a few warm cookies.  "Sweetie, why don't you take these to your auntie upstairs?"

As soon as Katy left the kitchen, Helen pounced.  "I want to know what's going on," she said bluntly.

Trixie sighed-there was really no use in keeping anything from her mother.  She quietly told her mother about her morning.

Helen Belden sat down.  "Oh my gosh," she said weakly.  She could see by Trixie's expression that comments and exclamations would have to wait.

Trixie joined her and absently reached for a cookie.  "I know," she said simply.  She reached for a napkin and wiped her mouth.  "How's Hallie?" she said, her voice holding a bit of shame when she thought about her cousin.

Helen sighed, both at the change of subject and the thought of her niece.  "Not very well, I'm afraid.  She's very ashamed over what happened, and to make matters worse, she still has the original problems that led her here in the first place."

Trixie felt terrible-she didn't even know what those problems were.  "Do you think I should go up and talk to her?" Trixie asked, her voice hesitant.  Her mind swerved to the previous day and she inwardly winced as she remembered the scene that took place between them the morning after the slumber party.

"How could you do such a thing?" Trixie had demanded after Hallie blurted out the entire story, her eyes bloodshot and swollen from crying.  The two women stood alone in Trixie's kitchen, Honey upstairs with the babies and Diana still fast asleep.

Hallie had trudged back to Trixie's house after Dan's departure, numb and alone and frightened, wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep forever.  Trixie's harsh tone was more than she could bear.  "I didn't mean to screw things up for him!"

"Even if he wasn't seeing anybody, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking!" Hallie had yelled back. 

Trixie grabbed her by the shoulders.  "Do you have any idea what you have done?" she hissed.  "Dan's in love with her!  For the first time in his life, he's genuinely in love with somebody!  How could you...why...?" Trixie was so angry with her cousin that she sputtered, Hallie's actions unthinkable.

Hallie burst into tears again.  "I don't know why! I just needed somebody, and I wanted, I hoped..."

"And you thought just popping into his bed was a good idea? What about your fiancé? Or have you forgotten that you're engaged?"  As soon as the words left Trixie's mouth, she wished them back, her heart freezing at the look of absolute despair on Hallie's face.

"I haven't forgotten, but apparently Phillip has!"  And with that, Hallie had stormed out.

"I think that is an excellent idea, Trixie." 

The sound of her mother's voice brought her back to the present.  "Oh Moms, I sometimes think there is no hope for me.  I was so angry I didn't even give Hallie a chance to explain," Trixie said.

Helen patted her daughter's cheek.  "Now's your chance.  Hallie is confused and upset; I think talking everything over with you will help her a lot."

"It has to do with her fiancé, doesn't it?"  That much was obvious.

Helen nodded grimly.  "Yes, that's a large part of it.  But it's not all of it.  And that's where you come in.  She needs to find some focus in her life, needs to make something out of her life.  Like you have."  She frowned at the haunted expression that suddenly came into Trixie's eyes.  "But if you're not up to it..." she began.

Trixie shook her head and stood up.  "I'll go talk to her," she said abruptly.

Helen Belden took the last batch of cookies out of the oven and set the tray on top of the stove, her face grave.  Hallie's actions disturbed her greatly-only someone very troubled would do what she had done.   Her heart ached for the beautiful young woman.  That Hallie was lost, adrift in her own life without any idea what she was about, was obvious.   

Trixie, on the other hand, had announced her career intentions at a very young age.  And although Helen had initially not been thrilled at the idea of her beloved daughter becoming a detective, she had grown to accept the idea over the years and was very proud of her.  And she had watched the love between Trixie and Jim deepen and grow over the years as well, happy that her daughter also had a family of her own.  She knew that Trixie would deal with her current predicament as she had always dealt with the challenges in her life.  She felt a surge of pride for her only daughter.

If anyone could help her niece Hallie, it was Trixie.  Wasn't it?  Helen shook her head and sat down, helping herself to one of her freshly baked cookies.  There was no point in worrying about something over which she had no control.  Hallie had to work through her own problems if she was ever to have a life for herself.  And she knew that any further discussions with Trixie about her situation would have to wait until Trixie talked about it with Jim.  There was just no point in thinking about that either.

Helen propped her chin in her hands, the warmth of the kitchen lulling her into a half doze as she let her thoughts sweep her away, completely ignoring her own advice as she sat and worried.

***

Dan banged the phone down with a scowl.  He'd left several messages on Joeanne's cell phone already; what was the point of leaving another one?

Many hours had passed since he'd driven to Joeanne's apartment, his eyes straining through the falling snow as he impatiently slowed to a crawl.  But her car wasn't there either, and he'd returned to his own home, not knowing what else to do.  He had called her, not really expecting her to answer, his heart sinking anyway when he got her voicemail.

If he stayed in the cabin he would go insane.  Dan went outside to the woodpile and began to split some of the larger logs.  If there was anything he knew how to do it was chop wood; he'd sure done enough of it in his life. 

He let the physical labor lull him, the growing pile of kindling oddly soothing.  The more he thought about the situation, the more his fear and worry slowly transformed into anger. 

She didn't even give him a chance to explain!  Chop! 

She just ran away, and she wasn't even answering her damn phone!  Chop! 

Didn't having a relationship mean that you trusted the other person? Chop! 

Did she honestly think that he'd cheat on her? Chop! 

Dan's thoughts got blacker and blacker.  Physical exhaustion finally halted his frenzied movements and he set the axe down, panting as he leaned against the handle.  He didn't do anything wrong, damn it!

***

Trixie checked on Maddie, fast asleep in the bassinet she herself had slept in as a baby, then went into her childhood bedroom.  Hallie was just finishing up the last of the cookies, assuring her little cousin that they were indeed the best she had ever tasted.

"Angel, run downstairs to Grandma," Trixie said quietly.  After the little girl had obeyed her mother, Trixie shut the door and faced her cousin, whose face was set.  "Hallie, I'm sorry I yelled at you the other day without giving you a chance to explain."

Hallie visibly softened at the genuineness of Trixie's apology.  "It's okay.  I deserved it," she said miserably.

Trixie sat next to her and put an arm around her.  "Let's not talk about blame.  Just tell me what's going on with you."  When the other woman was silent, Trixie added, "I want to help you if I can."  She felt Hallie start to tremble.

"When I got home from a shoot the other day, I found Phillip in bed with another woman," Hallie said bluntly.  She closed her eyes for a moment.

Trixie sucked in her breath.  "That son of a bitch!" she exclaimed, hugging her cousin.  "Oh Hallie!  I'm so sorry!"

Hallie laughed mirthlessly.  "Are you? You never liked him."

Trixie gave her a squeeze.  "No, I didn't," she said honestly.  She and Jim had once driven into the city to have dinner with the couple.  Phillip was attractive and attentive; there was no doubt about that.  He had asked Jim questions about his school and appeared genuinely interested in the fact that Trixie owned and operated her own detective agency.  But Trixie sensed a shallowness about Phillip that rubbed her the wrong way-it wasn't anything she could put her finger on, but she didn't like it.  Or him.  "But Hallie, of course I'm sorry you're hurting.  I love you."

Hallie's eyes filled with tears.  "Even after what I've done?"

"I hate what you've done," Trixie answered slowly.  "But Hallie, you're my cousin and I love you."

"I love you too," Hallie said, a tear sliding down her cheek.  She impatiently swiped it away.  "God, I'm sick of crying," she said.

"Moms said it was more than Phillip," Trixie said awkwardly, unsure of how to continue the conversation.  She wanted to help her cousin, but she wasn't sure she knew how.  I'm so confused about my own life right now; how can I possibly be of any help? she suddenly thought.

Hallie leaned back on the bed, letting her legs dangle over the edge.  "My life sucks!" she exclaimed.

"Why?" Trixie asked simply.

 Hallie stared at the ceiling for a moment.  "Trix, everybody thinks I have it all.  They think I have this really glamorous life, being a model.  And I suppose I do.  I mean, I get to travel a lot and I make an obscene amount of money."

Trixie duplicated her cousin's posture and the two women lay side by side.  "But...?" she prompted.

Hallie sighed.  "It's not that I don't appreciate it.  And I've even had a lot of fun.  But it just all seems so empty.  I mean, what good is it doing anybody? What does it mean? Who gives a damn if I look good in a pair of jeans?  Know what I mean?"

Trixie did.  "Why don't you donate part of your salary to charity?" she suggested.

"I do!  And believe me, it's been the only thing that's kept me from going completely insane.  But Trix...it's just...it's not enough for me anymore.  But the problem is, I don't have clue one about what I want to do with my life.  I just don't have any idea!  God, I'm 26 and I'm just floundering.  It's terrible!  And I thought-" Hallie broke off and let out an ironic noise.  "I thought, 'well, at least I'm getting married.  That's doing something, at least.'  And then I come home a few hours early one day and there's the man I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with, and he's...and I'm just left with nothing.  Nothing!"

"Hallie, you're not left with nothing.  You have your whole life ahead of you," Trixie began.

"What life?"

Trixie pressed her forehead against her cousin's shoulder.  "Oh come on Hallie," she murmured.

Hallie stiffened.  "I knew I couldn't talk to you about this," she said.

"Oh Hallie, yes, you can!  I just can't stand for you to sound so...hopeless."

Hallie sniffed.  "It feels hopeless.  I love him.  And I thought he loved me.  How could I be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid.  He's just a scumbag," Trixie said, her voice firm.

Hallie tried to laugh.  "Yes, he is.  Why I ever fell in love with him is beyond me.  He was just so different from the kind of men I'd dated in Idaho.  So different from my brothers.  I guess I thought I could be different too, just being around him."

Trixie turned on her side and looked at her cousin.  "And just what is so wrong about being you?  Why do you need to be different?"

"I don't know," Hallie admitted, her voice troubled.  "I felt like I did.  Didn't being with Jim make you feel like a different person?"

Trixie thought about it.  "Well, kind of.  I mean, when we first...you know, this is going to sound so clichéd, but...well, I felt like..." Trixie's face was pink, and Hallie felt a rush of love for her cousin.

"Felt like a woman?" Hallie prompted.

Trixie smiled, the look in her eyes filling Hallie yet again with the unwanted jealousy.  "Yeah. Something like that."  She sighed, then started to giggle at the melodramatic sound. Hallie joined in.

"Oh gosh, my boyfriend's dreamy!" Hallie purred, and the two cousins started to giggle so hard that they began to snort.

Trixie reached over and began to stroke Hallie's forehead.  "But Hal...I didn't feel like I was different. I mean, I was me, the me that I'd always been, the one that Jim met.  And even though we went through hell at one point, at the end, I knew that he loved me for who I was.  And I felt like I could be true to myself and still be loved.  Am I making any sense at all?" 

Hallie rested her head on Trixie's shoulder.  "Yes.  I was fooling myself, wasn't I?"  She felt her giggles abruptly die away.

Trixie sighed.  "I don't know about that.  Maybe he really did love you for who you are."  Trixie doubted it, but didn't want to rub salt in her cousin's wounds. 

Hallie wasn't buying it.  "No, he didn't.  If he loved me at all, which I think we can both agree is iffy, he loved the image I presented to him.  I was trying to be hot shot Hallie instead of  Idaho tomboy.  You know, I haven't even been camping since I've been with him?  He hates it."

Trixie snorted-she just couldn't help it.  "Of course he hates it.  There aren't any Starbucks in the wilderness!"

Hallie laughed.  "And no room service either!  God, Jim must have hated him."

"Hate is a strong word.  And Jim likes all kinds of different people.  But, well, yeah...Jim wasn't very impressed with Phillip.  He didn't think he was good enough for you."

Hallie's eyes misted.  "Really? He said that."

Trixie nodded vigorously.  "Mmm hmm."  She sat up and Hallie followed suit.  "We both think Idaho tomboy is pretty great.  We all do."

"I doubt Dan would agree with you," Hallie said, her face twisting in pain.  She remembered the anger in his voice and felt something inside her die.  Dan had been one of her closest friends, and now, who knew if he would ever even speak to her again? Their relationship would never be the same.

Trixie rubbed her forehead.  "I haven't spoken with Dan since...I don't know what to tell you about that.  But he always thought you were a special person.  If circumstances would have been different, who knows?"

"It's all ruined now.  He hates me," Hallie said, her face stony.  She got up from the bed and walked to the window, the line of her back tense, her shoulders stiff.

"Oh Hallie," Trixie said, walking over to her and lightly touching the back of her neck. 

"It's okay. He has a right to hate me."  Hallie stared out of the window.  The crabapple trees were brown and bare, the only color the whiteness of the snow that clung to the branches.  When Spring finally returned, as it always does, they would explode in a riot of pink and white, but for now, if she hadn't known any better, she would swear that the trees were dead, their blooming days behind them.

Next

Author's notes: 

The reference to Jim being at ‘death’s door’ is from a story that, at this moment, is only in my head. I’ll just have to plan more visits to either Sue’s house or the backseat of Jennifer’s car so it will get written!

Again, I apologize for referring to a story that hasn’t even been written yet, when I have Trixie talk about the "hell" she and Jim go through at one point. But I figure, it’s them—the whole ‘you want to major in WHAT?’ has to rear its ugly head sometime! J

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