Thank you, Kyrie, for your very fast edit!  And for driving me all over creation.

Come in From the Cold

Chapter 6

When Joeanne had fled from the cabin in the woods, she wasn’t initially sure where she was going.  She only knew she had to get away.  Get away from the unbelievable sight of Dan in bed with somebody else. 

How could he do such a thing?  And how could she be so wrong?  She thought he loved her too.  The pain completely overwhelming her, she had pulled her car to the side of the road, starting to sob so loudly that a part of her separated from herself, almost like an out of body experience. 

She watched, almost dreamily, as her other self rocked back and forth, blood congealing in her nose and along her upper lip.  She thought she heard her say why and no over and over, but the words were so choked she couldn’t be sure.

Joeanne had no idea how much time had passed, or when exactly the idea to drive out to the Smith’s farm had inserted itself into her tortured mind, but before she knew it, she was stumbling into a startled Mary Smith’s kitchen, the gray haired woman in the middle of making breakfast for her husband, farmhands, and the ubiquitous grandchildren who were always visiting her. 

Mary Smith had cleaned her up and made her rest.  Now it was mid-day, and the plump woman Joeanne loved like a grandmother was bringing her a cup of her special hot chocolate.

“Did you have a nice nap?” Mary inquired, setting the cup down on the nightstand and causing the mattress to dip alarmingly as she settled her admittedly large rear end on the edge of bed.

Joeanne sat up and took a long taste of the cocoa, letting out a surprised gasp.  “Mary! This is not how I remember your cocoa tasting!”  A small smile briefly appeared as Mary Smith’s eyes twinkled at her.

“I put a shot of peppermint schnapps in there.  You look like you need it.”  Mary’s expression softened and she reached out a plump hand to stroke Joeanne’s hair.  “What happened, lambie?”  Joeanne had been nearly incoherent when she arrived.  Mary thought it best to get the girl to bed and hear about it later.

Joeanne took another long drink, her eyes filling with tears.  “Oh Mary, I can hardly say the words,” Joeanne choked.

Mary’s normally friendly eyes narrowed.  “Did Dan hit you?” she asked, bluntly.  Joeanne’s nose was still swollen and she was developing a black eye.

Joeanne choked and set the cup down.  “No.  God no!” she exclaimed.  Mary continued to look at her, so she went on.  “Dan would never, never do anything like that.  Not in a million years.”

Her voice was so firm that Mary believed her. 

“I banged into a door.  I…I had to get away.  They were…” Joeanne’s voice came in hitches and made little sense, but, little by little, she managed to gasp out the story as Mary took her in her arms, patting her back.

“What did he say?” Mary asked when Joeanne had finally calmed down somewhat.

Joeanne pressed fingers into her forehead, thinking hard.  “I’m not sure,” she finally whispered.

Mary laid her hand on the back of Joeanne’s head, pressing the younger woman’s head onto her shoulder.  “Lamb, what do you mean, you don’t know?  You didn’t ask him to explain himself?”  She felt Joeanne shake her head.  “Do you think that’s wise?”

Joeanne lifted her head, shocked.  “Wise?  What’s to explain?  He was in bed with another woman!”

Mary felt her own eyes fill with tears as Joeanne began to cry again.  She loved this girl like her own sweet granddaughter, filled with happiness when she had come to live with her and her husband Nat.  When Joeanne’s family was finally able to put a down payment on their own farm, Mary had cried, missing all of them, but missing Joeanne most of all.  It was to her great joy that the girl continued to visit and to confide in her. 

Her first instinct was to protect her, comfort her, but her own experience was telling her what must be done.  She chose her next words carefully.

“Jo, you’ve told me how much you love this man.  How much he loves you.  How happy you’ve been.”  At Joeanne’s wondering nod she went on.  “I remember meeting him at Jim and Trixie’s wedding.  He was a fine young man.  And he’s one of their dearest friends.  This just isn’t making any sense.”

“I know it isn’t!” Joeanne burst out.

“Finish your cocoa,” Mary ordered.  She watched Joeanne sip for a moment.  “You need to talk to him.”

Joeanne slammed her now empty cup down.  “What for?” she demanded childishly.

Mary’s eyes snapped.  “You sound like you’re 11 years old again!  Joeanne, having a relationship isn’t all fun and games.  Some of it is work.  God knows Nat and I have had our share of problems over the years.”

“Bet you never caught him in bed with another woman,” Joeanne said tearfully.  She looked down at the quilt covering her.  “I thought you would understand,” she muttered.

At the teary sound, Mary threw her arms around her.  “I do, my darling girl.  And no, I never caught Nat in bed with another woman.  But I once accused him of having an affair with one of the neighbors,” she admitted.  As Joeanne gasped in surprise, Mary quickly told her the story.

“I started hearing silly gossip.  One of my neighbors, Edna Jorgenson, was awful sweet on Nat.  Told a few of her friends that she aimed to have him.  By the time it reached me, this had changed into she’d had him.”  Mary shook her head and gently stroked Joeanne’s back.  “Nat was so hurt and angry that I had believed these people without even talking to him about it.  It was a very bad time for us.  It was a long time before Nat got over it.”

Joeanne pulled back and stared at her.  “Are you trying to say that it’s just a rumor that Dan slept with somebody else?  I saw it! I saw them!”

“What I’m saying is, you should at least hear what Dan has to say.  You ought not have run off like that.  Running away never fixes anything,” Mary concluded.  At Joeanne’s stricken look, she relented.  “Call him now.  If you really love him, maybe there’s a chance you can work this out.”

“Would you have stayed married to Nat if he really had slept with Edna?”

Mary went still as she thought about it.  “I don’t know,” she admitted.  “I’m glad I never had to face that choice.”

“Yeah,” Joeanne nodded, her lovely face so sad that Mary had to look away.  “I’m glad you didn’t too.”  She swung out of bed and stood up, reaching down for her purse.  “I’ll call him,” she said softly.  She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to listen, but she trusted Mary. 

“That’s my girl.” Mary nodded approvingly and left the room.

Joeanne dug through her purse until she found her cell phone.  An image of Dan’s stricken face suddenly floated into her mind.  He had seemed genuinely shocked by the situation, but was it because he was caught?  Or were other forces at work?  Joeanne’s heart started thumping.  What would she say?

***

After her emotional day, Trixie simply wasn’t up to cooking and readily agreed to Katy’s pleas to go to Wimpy’s for a special treat when Jim came home.  She was silent on the short drive, staring out the window at the sun just starting to go down.

Jim sighed to himself.  Trixie had been sick the other day, and now she looked paler than ever.  He reached over and took her hand.  “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” Trixie answered without turning her head.

Ah, she’s upset about Dan.  And Hallie, Jim thought.  He knew that Trixie would often fall silent as she mulled over events and had learned not to take it personally over the years.  Not that it made it any easier sometimes!  He sighed out loud without realizing it.

“I’m okay,” Trixie repeated sharply.  She was supposed to go back to work in a few months.  And then what?  She felt pulled in all directions.

Jim’s temper flared.  “Good,” he snapped.

They parked in back of Wimpy’s and Trixie scrambled out of the car, opening the back door and reaching for Maddie’s carrier, so upset she could hardly see.

“Sorry,” Jim muttered.  He took Katy’s hand as they all crossed the parking lot. He held the door open so Trixie could enter then followed her in. 

Wimpy’s was warm and crowded.  Mike, formerly the counterman and now the owner, waved at them, jerking his head towards a booth by the window that he was holding for them. 

Burgers sizzled on the grill and Trixie was assaulted by the rich smell of cooking beef.  Her head spun as the walls seemed to close in on her.  “Take…the baby,” Trixie whispered, thrusting the carrier into Jim’s free hand and dashing outside.  She collapsed on the small bench outside the door, taking deep breaths until the intense nausea passed.  Her eyes flew open as she heard the sound of Jim’s worried voice.

“Trix? What’s wrong?”

Jim sat next to her and took her in his arms.  “You ARE sick,” he continued.

“No,” Trixie whispered.

“Then what…”

“Where are the kids?” she murmured, forgetting her annoyance as she melted into him.  She needed to tell him.  Not later, as she had planned, but now.

“Mrs. Elliott is with them,” he explained.   He continued to hold her.  “Trixie, you’re scaring me.  You have to tell me what’s wrong.  Maybe you should see Brian.”

“I saw Dr. Ferris today, and he sent me to Dr. Patel…”

Jim pulled back, understanding growing in his eyes.  “Dr. Patel!”

Trixie nodded, her mind starting to race.  Suddenly she remembered telling her parents that she had picked Criminology as her major.  How she had passionately defended her choice, letting them know in no uncertain terms that she was serious about someday owning and operating the Belden Wheeler Detective Agency.   She thought about all the work she and Honey had put into the agency.  How happy she’d been when she returned to work six months after Katy was born.  How hard it sometimes was when Katy would start to cry right in the middle of a client meeting.

Honey was just starting the preliminary work of re-opening the agency, contacting old clients and getting the word out that soon, very soon, the agency would be open for business. 

Trixie loved being a detective.  She loved her work.  Unraveling mysteries fascinated her as it had always done.  It made her feel alive. 

Alive…

She loved the way Maddie clutched at one of her curls while she nursed, eyes as blue as her own gazing up at her with such trust.  She loved the way Katy cuddled up to her when she picked her up from preschool, her little voice piping up about her day.  These things also made her feel alive.

Her mother was so sure she could help Hallie find her focus.  But where was hers?  She felt trapped by the responsibility her mother had unwittingly thrust upon her, trapped by her current situation.  Was she betraying a certain code, was she wasting all her education and hard work if she…

“Dr. Patel,” Jim repeated.  He laid his hands on her shoulders.  “Are you…?”

Trixie nodded.  “I was going to tell you later tonight.  I’m not sick.  I’m just having a baby.”

Jim started to grin, but his smile quickly faded at Trixie’s next words.

“I don’t want it,” Trixie muttered.

Chapter 7

“You don’t want it? You don’t want the baby?” Jim asked in complete disbelief. 

Trixie came back to herself with a start.  “What? No!  I mean, yes! Of course I do.  I…” she closed her eyes as another wave of nausea hit her.  I never felt this badly with the girls.  This one must be a boy! The errant thought almost made her smile.

Jim stared at his wife, thoroughly confused.  “Trix, what is the matter with you?  You’re as white as a sheet.  Is there something you’re not telling me?”  He put his arms around her again and pulled her close.  “Don’t try and protect me, damn it!  Something isn’t right.  What don’t you want?”

Trixie felt her eyes fill with tears.  “The responsibility.  I feel like I’m being pulled every which way, and I don’t know what to do!”  She started to pull away.  “Forget it.  I don’t know what I mean.”

Jim didn’t know what to think. But he did know pain when he heard it, and the fact that it was Trixie of all people feeling it was unbearable. “I’m not going to forget it,” he said, re-tightening his hold. He felt her tense for a moment then give in to him. “But this isn’t the place.  Do you think you can eat something?”

Trixie nodded against his shoulder.  “As long as I don’t have to smell it cooking.”

“All right then.  You wait here; I’ll get our food to go.”

By the time Jim emerged with a large sack of food, Trixie was feeling a lot better.  She swooped Katy into a hug when the little girl ran to her, assuring her that ‘mommy just had a little tummy ache’.  Once they were home again, Katy happily sat down to watch a video. Jim and Trixie crept away into the kitchen, satisfied with her solemn promise not to get Wimpy burger all over the rug.

They sat at the table, their burgers uneaten in front of them.  “You’re not happy about this baby,” Jim said flatly, not knowing how else to continue the discussion.

Trixie took a bite of her burger and swallowed, giving herself a moment.  “It’s not that exactly.  I mean, well, the timing is something else.  Do you realize Maddie won’t even be a year old when it’s born?”

Jim had to laugh.  “Almost twins!” he pointed out.

Trixie laughed too, albeit ruefully.  “I know!”  She took another bite, willing her stomach to accept it.  Dr. Patel had warned her that she needed to eat regularly, that the reason she was feeling so faint was the strain of nursing Maddie combined with the pregnancy.

“You will have to take extra care of yourself,” the doctor had warned.

Jim decided to take the bull by the horns.  “Trix, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something myself.  It seems like lately I’ve been working longer and longer days.  As the school has grown, so has all the mundane details: paperwork and planning.  You’ve been stuck with all the responsibility here.”

Trixie couldn’t stand the guilty look on Jim’s face.  “I don’t feel ‘stuck’.” 

Jim picked up her hand and started stroking her knuckles with his thumb.  “You said you feel pulled every which way.”

Trixie sighed.  “I don’t know how to explain it.  I barely understand it myself.  I love being a mother.  I love being a detective.  But I worry that I’m not giving either thing my best.  And I feel…I don’t know.  Guilty.”

“Guilty?  Whatever for?”

Trixie struggled to find just the right words.  “For wanting it so much.”

“Wanting what?”

Trixie smiled, a sad little smile.  “Everything.  I want everything.  And that’s impossible.  I know it is.  When Dr. Ferris told me I needed to get tested for pregnancy, I felt completely overwhelmed.  I can’t go back to work in a few months only to leave again so soon!  And I felt angry.”  At this confession, Trixie started to cry.  What kind of mother was she?  “Why does it have to be now?” 

Jim couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  “You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to live your life!  I’m the guilty one.  I’ve been working more and more, and you haven’t even complained.”  He stood up and walked to her side, rubbing the back of her neck.  “Love, what do you want?  Do you want to go back to the agency?  It’s okay if you do.”

“It is?” Trixie sniffled.  “It’s not how Moms did it.  She gave up everything for us kids.”

Jim was starting to understand.  “Trixie, you can’t compare yourself with Moms.”

Trixie swiped at her eyes.  “I know I can’t.  There’s no comparison.”  Her tone made it clear that she meant the comparison would be unfavorable to her.

“That’s not what I meant.  You’re a great mother.  Just because Moms chose not to work outside of the home doesn’t mean you have to make that same choice.  I know you, and I’m not worried one little bit.  You would never choose outside interests over Katy and Maddie.  If one of them needed you, you would drop everything.”

It was true.  She would.  “But…”

“No buts,” Jim said firmly.  He gently tugged at one of her curls.  “There’s plenty of ‘detectiving’ you can do right from home on your computer, and you know Honey doesn’t mind if you bring the kids to the office.  Heck, she’s planning on bringing Matty, isn’t she?  I’m going to turn over some of the running of the school to Lucy.  She’s almost done with her degree and if I don’t want to lose the best office manager I’ve ever had, I have to increase her responsibilities.  That will free up more time for you, too.”  He returned to his chair and sat back down.

“I can’t help feeling that I shouldn’t want to do anything other than care for the kids.  And then I feel like if I do that, I’m throwing away everything I’ve worked for.  It isn’t fair.  Nobody wonders if a man is going to go back to work or not after a child is born.”

Jim nodded thoughtfully.  “I never thought about it before, but you’re right.  There are certain assumptions that exist.  But the real question is, what do you want?  And it sounds like you want to work as much as you can while still being able to be a mom as much as you can.  Right?”

“Yes,” Trixie admitted.

Jim grinned at her.  “Then stop worrying!”  He chuckled.  “That’s usually your line, isn’t it? Trixie, who cares what anybody thinks you should be doing?  We’ll work out a schedule that works best for us.  Everything is going to be just fine.”

Trixie felt a smile growing on her face as the happiness filled her.  For the first time, she felt that it was true.  If Jim said everything was going to be fine, then it would.  If she never believed anything else, she had to believe that.  Nobody loved the idea of family more than Jim.  Jim, who had lost everything once upon a time.  She realized suddenly what her real worry had been.  That Jim would stop loving her if she didn’t want to be a full time mother.  And that she would resent him for taking away the work that meant so much to her.  What an idiot she was!  The chill that had been living inside her heart was gone as the warmth filled her.

She stood up and hugged his neck from behind.  “We’re having a baby!” she said in a musical voice.  “Are you up for more diapers?  We must be crazy!”  She allowed herself to be pulled down onto Jim’s lap.

“We must be,” he agreed.  His mouth met hers in a lingering kiss, his hand sliding over her hip and down the side of her thigh.  He groaned slightly as she squirmed hungrily against him.

“This is how we got into this mess in the first place!” Trixie murmured, her hand stealing under his shirt.  She pressed her palm over his heart, feeling the steady beat of it setting the rhythm of her life.

“And a fine mess it is,” Jim agreed, beginning to kiss her again.  

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