I really missed you while I was away...

Did he miss her the way she missed him that summer?  Trixie shook her head—it wasn’t possible.  She knew it wasn’t, and yet…

I don’t do so well when you’re not around. 

Trixie drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them.  Her life had gone on since he went away to school, she had dated other boys, had even felt a certain pleasure in Nick’s embrace.  But she didn’t “do so well” either.  It was as if fate had led her and Honey to the abandoned mansion that sunny day when they first met Jim.  And fate had decided right then and there that he was the one for her.  Only trouble was, fate forgot an important little detail…

“Maybe I have it all wrong.  Maybe fate meant that we were going to be good friends.  Friends forever,” Trixie muttered aloud, closing her eyes and pressing her chin harder into her right knee.  It did mean a lot to her that he so obviously valued their friendship and cared about her well-being.  Maybe as time went on, she’d meet somebody to love who loved her back the same way.  Maybe even in the new school year. 

Trixie jumped off of the bed, her energy renewed.  Her junior year would be the best year ever.  It was Mart and Dan’s last year at Sleepyside Junior-Senior High, and she was not going to ruin it by being a love struck fool.  Nick thought she was beautiful; maybe someone else would too.  She would make the most of it.  “Jim is only a friend,” she said firmly, like a mantra.  She repeated it a few more times as she went back downstairs to start the family dinner.

***

“Trixie, I need to talk to you,” Peter Belden said as Mart and Brian began clearing the table.  He rose and beckoned her to follow him into the living room.

Trixie exchanged a reassuring glance with her mother and felt her heart quicken as she trotted after her father.  There was still a whole week left of summer vacation, and she could sure cram in the fun…

“Trix, I want to talk to you about what happened last week,” her father began.  There was no need for further elaboration—Trixie knew that date would live on in her memory for many years to come. 

Trixie sat down next to her father and waited quietly for him to continue, noting with surprise the unexpectedly humble expression that flitted across his face.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided that I was a little unfair with you.  And apparently, I’m not alone in this opinion,” he added wryly, the corners of his mouth quirking up.  He touched her cheek.  “Trixie, I’m more sorry than I can say about the way I acted.  It’s unforgivable that I should strike someone.  And especially in front of you.”

Trixie couldn’t bear his expression any longer.  “It’s okay, Dad!” she exclaimed.  “He was being such a jerk…”

Peter Belden almost laughed at the indignation in her tone, but thought better of it.  “Be that as it may, physical violence wasn’t called for in that situation.  Plain and simple, I lost my temper.  I acted very impulsively, then punished you for your impulsive behavior.”  He shook his head.  “Sweetheart, you and I are such similar creatures.  But I’ve learned how to control my temper over the years.  Well, for the most part, anyway!” and here he did allow himself to chuckle a bit, smiling at his only daughter.  It had literally made him sick the past few days to think of her witnessing his behavior, and it came as no small relief to realize that she was apparently undamaged from the incident.  “I worry about you getting into a dangerous situation.”  He held up his hand as she began to protest about how careful she was when encountering mysteries these days.  “I’m not just talking about your ‘detectiving’, Trix.  You’re so quick.  You dive into things and don’t stop to think about them until it’s too late.  Like the other day—you’re an inexperienced driver.  Driving in New York can be dangerous if you don’t know what to expect.”

Trixie nodded, her eyes cast down. 

Her father hugged her.  “But we’ve been through all this already.  What I really wanted to tell you was this; as of tomorrow morning, you’re done being grounded.  I’m granting parole.”

Trixie hugged him back.  “Thanks, Dad!” she said, her eyes shining.

He drew back and regarded her steadily.  “I just want to hear you promise that you’ll try to think before you act, in the future.  Okay, honey?”

“I’ll try.  I really will,” she promised earnestly.  She practically skipped out of the living room, running smack into Mart.  “I’m not grounded anymore!” she said happily.

Her look alike brother grinned.  “So I heard,” he said, unashamedly, not caring if she knew he blatantly eavesdropped.

Trixie gave him a light punch.  “I heard what you did,” she said.  “Thanks.”

Mart brushed off her thanks.  “Wherever there’s injustice; I’ll be there,” he said, doing his best Henry Fonda.

“Wherever there’s free food, you’ll be there!” Trixie corrected, but her smile gave her away.

“Having one’s priorities firmly established is not only a good thing, but a wise one as well,” Mart replied loftily.  Then his expression changed.  “Gleeps, Dad really feels bad about socking that guy, doesn’t he?”

Trixie nodded.  “I think he thought I was going to be scarred for life,” she said.

“Scarred, schmarred; I wish I could have seen it,” Mart admitted.  He again tried to picture his dignified father landing a left hook, but to his dismay, could not.  He looked at his sister with a touch of envy.

“Well, I could have done without…” Trixie broke off, not wanting to repeat Mr. Roberts’ hateful words.  The intellectual part of her knew he was just upset, but her heart stung at the thought that Nick’s father could think she had deliberately set out to hurt his son.  She fervently hoped Nick never found out what his father said to her.

Mart’s normally open face darkened.  “Dad shouldn’t have stopped with just one punch.”

Trixie waved a hand. “Ah, forget it.  It’s nothing. Nick’s dad was just a little freaked out, that’s all.”  She followed her brother out to the porch, where there was the merest hint of a breeze.  They sank onto the porch swing and looked up at the stars.

“Big time senior,” she remarked, referring to the upcoming school year.

“Yeah,” Mart said simply.  He could hardly believe it.

“First Brian and Jim, and next, you and Dan.”  Trixie sighed and gazed at the big dipper, one of the few constellations she could ever find.

Mart thought back to Trixie’s emotional outburst on the way to Brian and Jim’s goodbye party.  “Trix? Could I ask you something?”

Trixie could plainly detect the note of seriousness in Mart’s voice.  “Uh…sure. I guess so.”

“Are you in love with Jim?”

Trixie continued staring at the sky.  “Yes,” she answered simply. She hadn’t forgotten her vow to make her junior year her best ever, but lying to the brother everybody referred to as her ‘almost-twin’ was a waste of time.  “Are you in love with Di?” she asked, figuring turnabout was fair play.

“Oh yeah,” Mart admitted.  “Why do you think I go out with her?”  Mart and Diana, unlike the others, had never tried to hide the fact that they found each other fascinating.  Trixie was so used to it that it never occurred to her ask Mart how he felt before.

“Does she love you too?” she asked.

“Yep,” Mart said cheerfully.

Trixie began to smile.  “Sound pretty sure of yourself, twin.  How do you know?”

“Told me,” Mart said.  He wondered what would happen when he went away to school and Diana became a senior, and pushed the thought out of his mind.  That was a whole year away.

“That’s nice,” Trixie sighed.

“Do you want me to tell Jim for you?” Mart asked.  He thought about the way Jim reacted when he thought Trixie had truly gone to California, and found himself wondering, not for the first time, if Jim’s feelings ran deeper for his sister than he let on.

“God no!” Trixie exclaimed.  At Mart’s surprised look she continued in a softer tone, “Mart, I want us all to be able to stay friends. To remain the BWGs.  Opening a can of worms like that could ruin everything! What if Jim felt so uncomfortable he couldn’t hang around us anymore?”

“Or what if he loved you too, and you got together?” Mart asked.

Trixie laughed bitterly.  “Get real.  He’s got a girlfriend, remember?”

“But it’s not anybody serious,” Mart began.

“Mart, no.”  That was all, but it was enough.

“Okay,” he said.  “Whatever you want, sis.”  He gave his sister a sympathetic look and went back in the house, obeying an overwhelming urge to call Diana.

“Whatever I want.  Ha!” Trixie said aloud, letting her eyes roam until she finally what she was reasonably sure was Venus—the brightest star in the heavens.

Chapter 11

Fortunately you have got
someone who relies on you
we started out as friends
but the thought of you just caves me in
the symptoms are so deep
it is much too late to turn away
we started out as friends
sign your name
across my heart
I want you to be my baby
sign your name
across my heart
I want you to be my lady 

                                                                                    --Terence Trent D’Arby

God only knows what I'd be without you

                                                                                  --The Beach Boys

Jim slowly gathered up his books and walked out of his Psychology class, deep in thought.  It was a Friday in October and he was going home for the weekend.  And while part of him was glad—he missed the quiet countryside outside of Sleepyside, feeling at home there more than he’d ever felt anywhere— another part of him was pondering the trend that seemed to sum up his romantic life.  Mainly, a complete lack of romance.

After many late night talks with his adopted sister, he had slowly become convinced that those final years with Jonesy had not ruined him for love.  And yet…

Jim entered the crowded Student Union, looking for Brian.  They usually took the train together, and today would be no exception.  And yet, Jim was tired of small talk, tired of first dates that didn’t lead to anything more than a make out session.  He finally spotted his best friend and gave a wave.  Brian was so clearly happy with his relationship with Honey that it was hard not to be jealous.  What was it like to be in love with the girl you were dating? 

“You ready?” Brian said as he got within earshot.  The smile on his face made it clear that he was more than ready to go home.  Jerk.

“Yeah,” Jim said tiredly.  Man, it’s not his fault he’s in love and you’re not.  Jerk yourself!

“What’s up?” Brian asked as they walked to the bus stop together.  They walked up the steps, flashing their monthly pass and finding two seats together.

“Long week,” Jim said, staring out the window.

Brian sighed.  He didn’t think he could take another semester of his best friend moping.  “Jim, what is with you?  Why don’t you just ask my sister out and have done with it?”

Jim’s head snapped around and he stared at Brian in disbelief.  “What are you talking about?”

“Oh come on, Jim.  You’ve always liked her.  She isn’t seeing anybody at the moment, and now’s your chance.”  Brian had finally come to realize that Honey was right about her brother having feelings for his little sister.   And although Trixie had never come right out and told him, he knew that she had feelings for Jim as well.  It was a strange thing to realize that your baby sister wasn’t such a baby anymore. 

Jim smiled wryly.  “Ah, Honey’s been working her evil influence on you, I see.”

Brian smiled back.  “Well, your sister can be pretty persuasive when she wants to be.”  He lightly punched Jim’s arm.  “Come on—it would be fun.  We could double date.” At Jim’s doubtful look, he added in a light tone, “What, my kid sister isn’t good enough for you?”

“Shut up!” Jim laughed.  “You know that isn’t even remotely it.”

“Then what is?” Brian asked bluntly.

Jim sighed.  “I don’t know,” he admitted.  And he didn’t.  After that night under Trixie’s window, he knew that what he felt for Trixie went beyond friendship.  And when he found out that her punishment was lifted, he was so glad that he could no longer deny his own feelings. 

But she hadn’t given any indication that she saw him any differently than she always saw him.  She’d joined the rest of the BWGs in the Wheeler stables the first morning of her freedom, clearly happy to be free from “house arrest”.  And they’d spent the last week of summer having their usual fun—horseback riding, swimming in the lake, picnics and other summertime pursuits.  Their usual fun…

“Jim, this probably isn’t my place.  And Trixie would kill me if she knew I was interfering in her life like this.  But I have to tell you.  I think that she wishes something would happen with the two of you.”  Brian’s face was serious, he didn’t want Jim to think there was even a chance that he was joking.

“Really?”

Brian grinned at the eager expression on Jim’s face, wondering if he had any idea how he looked.  “Really,” he affirmed.

Jim settled back in his seat, a little smile hovering at the corners of his mouth.  If Brian was saying it, it must be so.

They arrived at the station and bought their tickets, boarding the crowded 5:00 train that would take them into Sleepyside-on-the-Hudson, both young men sharing the comfortable silence that comes with long friendship.  As the familiar scenery sped by him, Jim found himself lost in thought, remembering every little moment of his long friendship with Trixie Belden.  He recalled their very first meeting and almost laughed aloud at the image of him bolting awake in his great uncle’s decaying mansion, grabbing his rifle and pointing it at the startled Trixie and a terrified Honey.  But she hadn’t been afraid.  She’d snapped right back at him, accusing him of being the trespasser.

It hadn’t taken long for the three of them to become close.  When he shared his dream of someday opening his own school for homeless boys, they hadn’t laughed.  Trixie had looked at him as if he was the most wonderful person she’d ever met, as a matter of fact. 

Jim started as a sudden realization filled him.  Unlike those college girls he’d been dating, Trixie had never expected anything from him.  And it just never occurred to her that he couldn’t do the things he wanted to do, even when, secretly, he sometimes had doubts.  Jim wondered where he would be without that faith, feeling a small shiver at the thought of being without it.

Then he smiled, knowing that he never would have to be without it.  Trixie offered her undying friendship, her loyalty and goodness never wavering, even when they argued.  It was like every little thing she did was magic.  Absolute magic.  How could he have thought for a second that some other girl could compare?

The hour sped by as Jim drowned in memories.  By the time they pulled into the small depot in Sleepyside, he’d made up his mind.  Tonight he was expected to have dinner with his family—his parents were home, and this was always an event that he and Honey were expected to partake in.  But tomorrow…tomorrow he would take a chance.  Tomorrow, he would see if Trixie was at all interested in seeing if they could take their friendship to the next level. 

***

Normally, with Brian home for the weekend, dinner at the Belden’s was a boisterous affair.  But Mr. and Mrs. Belden had been strangely quiet all throughout the meal, and with Bobby spending the night at the Lynch’s, it was as close to silent as it ever got at Crabapple Farm.

Trixie and her brothers cleared the table as her parents drifted into the living room.  As she filled the sink with soapy water, she couldn’t help but wonder if there was something wrong.  Nobody was in trouble as far as she knew.  She felt a stab of worry and needed reassurance.

“Brian, what do you think is bothering Moms and Dad?” she asked her older brother, accepting the empty platter from him and dumping it into the sink.

“Nothing, as far as I know,” he responded, leaning against the refrigerator.  “And anyway, you’re the one who sees them everyday.”

Mart entered the kitchen then, a stack of plates in his hand.  “What’s this about Moms and Dad?” he asked, setting the dishes down on the counter.

Trixie frowned.  “I don’t know.  But didn’t they seem awfully, well, quiet at dinner?”  She began vigorously scrubbing, shifting over so that Mart could rinse and dry the dishes as she handed them to him.

“Yes, they did,” Mart admitted, stacking the clean plates into the drainer.   Then he smiled.  “Are you failing math again?”

Trixie splashed him lightly.  “As a matter of fact, I’m not, smarty pants.  Believe it or not, I finally learned how to do well in math.  So there!”

“What’s the big secret, Trix?” Brian asked, amused.

Trixie grinned.  “I stopped trying to understand it, and just learned how to work the problems!”

“And that works?” Mart asked dubiously.

“Yep.”  Trixie sounded almost cheerful. 

“But then it’s a waste of time,” Brian began.

Trixie laughed.  “It always was anyway.  At least this way, I get to pass!”  She handed Mart the last dish and pulled the stopper out of the sink.

Mr. Belden came into the kitchen.  “Kids? Your mother and I need to talk to you.”  His voice was so serious that the three siblings went completely silent, looking at each other. 

“What about, Dad?” Brian asked, his tone matching that of his father’s.  They followed him into the living room where their mother was already waiting for them.

Only after Trixie, Brian and Mart sat down did Helen Belden make her announcement.

“Kids, there’s no easy way to say this…Mrs. Belden stopped.  Her husband Peter put his arm around her waist.

Trixie felt her stomach turn to ice.  She knew it; something was horribly wrong.  She instinctively reached for her oldest brother’s hand.

Mrs. Belden inhaled audibly.  “I had some tests done last week and the news is…not good.”  She looked at the three worried faces in front of her.  “I have breast cancer,” she finished quietly.

Trixie made a choking sound, gripping Brian’s hand even tighter.  Brian squeezed back, helplessly.

“You can’t mean it,” Mart finally said, his voice shaky.

Mrs. Belden tried to smile at her middle son.  “I’m afraid I do,” she said sadly.

The three rose as if one and surrounded their mother.  “Oh Moms!” Trixie cried, throwing her arms around her and burying her face in her shoulder.  For a long moment the entire Belden family clung to one another, as if they could shut out the danger that faced their close-knit family.

“How serious is it?” Brian finally asked, his face white.  He was studying pre-med and of the three of them, he was the most likely to understand the answer.

“You’re mother is lucky—she caught it early,” his father replied, clearing his throat.  “It hasn’t spread to the lymph nodes and she has an excellent chance of recovering.”

Chance.  The word made Trixie cling even harder to her mother.  At 16, life had not prepared her for a moment as awful as this one.  Her world filled with family barbecues, school and friends was a million miles away from this reality.

Mrs. Belden gently disengaged herself from her children.  “Now listen, we can’t fall apart.  This family has always stuck together, and we’re going to get through this.”  Her voice was firm, her eyes gentle.

Mr. Belden spoke up.  “You’re mother is going to have twice-weekly chemotherapy treatments for the next month.  We’re all going to have to pitch in and help around the house.” His voice was calm, but Trixie could see the fear lurking in his eyes.  It made her feel weak all over.

“We will Dad,” the boys promised.  Trixie’s father looked at her.  “Of course I will,” Trixie managed to choke out.  Mr. Belden enfolded his only daughter in his arms.  “I know you’re scared honey.  We all are.  But we have to be strong for your mother.  Okay, baby?”  Trixie nodded against her father’s shoulder. 

“Let’s all go to bed.  I think we’ve all had enough for one day,” Mrs. Belden suggested.  Trixie smiled bravely at her mother and kissed her goodnight, the boys following suit.  She trudged up the stairs to her room, glad that her youngest brother Bobby was spending the night at the Lynch house and didn’t have to hear the heart wrenching news.  She entered her room and closed the door quietly behind her, feeling as if bees were crawling under her skin.  The tears came again, hot and merciless and she threw herself facedown on her bed, stuffing a pillow into her mouth to stifle her sobs.

“Why, why, why?” she cried, rocking back and forth, but there was no answer in the long night ahead.

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